Neutral - That is about the best way I can explain how I have been feeling this past week.  Not really moving forward and not really moving backwards.  I have been struggling with my emotions, responsibilities and feelings.  I have not been feeling as confident about my future as I did a week ago.  I feel like my life is on hold and I am having a hard time figuring out how to push myself to be happy right now....  I wish I could put into words the frustration I am having to deal with right now, but I cannot.  I know one day that I will be happy and have control of my life again, but right now I feel my life is not in my control!!

This is a strange blog...it is just me trying to journalize some feelings that I need to get out and as usual they end up here.  In some aspects I am doing very well, better than I thought I would, but in others I think I am failing.  I still like who I am becoming and I am comfortable in my own skin.  Although I am finding being alone is lonely.  Nights are the hardest and weekends aren't so great either.  I have gone to movies by myself and eating in restaurant alone is almost routine.  I feel that getting out and doing things by myself is much better than staying home, because that is very depressing.

I hope to regain direction soon.  Find inner peace and start to moving forward again.  I look forward to the day when I can blog that I am taking control of my life and finding happiness again.   I cannot tell you the last time I felt that I had "control" of my life.  Ever since Craig has been ill my life has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Emergency trips to doctors and flights to NY.  Vacations cut short and countless sleepless nights.  I would not change a thing, as a matter of fact I wish I was still on that roller coaster!!!

Sitting in neutral.  Hoping to find my way in the world soon.  Wanting to be happy sooner than later. 


believing...shelly