Well it is about 11 o'clock on Thursday night and I thought I should do a quick blog since it has been way too long since the last one!

I hosted the "Solutia" party a couple of weekends ago and it was a great success. I hope to do it every couple of months.  Everyone was so glad to see each other and I was thrilled to finally see everyone together as well.  For those of you who do not know, some of the people have left Solutia, so it was like a little union.  We ate and drank and then played games until well past midnight and I think I went to bed about 1:00.

This weekend Mary Jane and Loring, from Ohio, are coming in.  I am planning on having about 10 people over.  Mary Jane and Julie Gundlach are both meso patients and we have all stayed close for many years (with their families too).  Also Lisa Blanzy and Patti are coming to look at the pictures from our trip to Europe we went on with Loring and Mary Jane.

My brother in law Lee has been sick with kidney stones for over 6 weeks.  He is going in for a second attempt to have them removed on the 17th if this month.  He has had them blasted once and is due to have them blasted again on the 10th....poor guy!  He has been in so much pain.  My mom is having cataract surgery the end of the month as well.

I also wanted to let you know that my fistula has returned   I am just being put on antibiotics and another medication for 2 weeks and then I have to go back to see the surgeon.  yuk!  But, I am hopeful that I will not have to have surgery....my concern is that my Crohn's is not going into remission with medication.  I will be talking to Dr. Cort again soon.

I am half way through chapter 5.  I am really struggling with this chapter.  I am having a hard time making the transition from Emily's elementary school years to her middle school years and all that went on during those years and the bonding we had with our friends, etc.  It is so hard to jam so much into one chapter and then try to end that chapter with the beginning of Craig's illness.  I think I have rewritten this chapter 4-5 times.

Kyle has been accepted to the University of Wisconsin!!  He and Emily are very excited and have already put their condo on the market and have shown it once 2 days later.  He is waiting to hear from the other universities that he has applied to, but Wisconsin was one of his top choices.  So I am very happy and proud of him!   I think moving will be a great experience for them  I will miss them very much, but I know when I moved to Boston at the age of 26, it was a real growing experience for Craig and I.

I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day!!

BELIEVING....
Shelly

Happy New Year everyone.  I know this year HAS to be better than the last..  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. 

Our family managed to get through Christmas quite well actually.  I was surprised.  I think we knew it was going to be very different and Emily and Kyle helped to make it special and filled with fun.  They spent the night and bought Rock Band with the Beatles addition too.  So after we had our traditional opening of the gifts and breakfast, we rocked out to the Beatles.  I have to say it was fun and I was worried how we would spend the rest of Christmas day.  I did not want it to be a sad day, as Christmas was such an important holiday for Craig.  He didn't get the nick name Clark Griswold by being a scrooge.  He had to have the biggest tree, the house decorated to the hilt and surprise gifts for all of us.

After playing Rock Band.  We had a very untraditional meal.  Emily and I made stuffed cabbage.  I tried to pass down a tradition and she was very quick as learning how to make cabbage rolls.  (one of Craig's favorite meals)  We had dinner and reminisced all through the day.  It was a wonderful holiday, considering.  Emily and Kyle helped to make sure of that.

New Years I went to a party at the Eakers.  It was great to see old friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time.

I canceled my trip to Aruba in March as I didn't have anyone to go with.  I certainly did not want to go by myself.  So now I have 3 trips I have to use by 2012!!  Any takers   I also just finished chapter 4 of my book.  So I am on track, however I think the book will be longer than 20 chapters, therefore it may take more time to finish.

I am hosting my first "party" at my house on the 23 of January for some people that Craig use to work with.  It will be nice to see them again.  I still keep in contact with them by phone or email, but I have not seen them in a long time, so I am looking forward to seeing them and having my house filled with happiness again.  I love to entertain and have not done so in so long I am really can't wait to have people over.

Well, I guess that is it for now.  Keep warm.

BELIEVING,
Shelly

Well it is Christmas Eve-Eve.  Time keeps marching on.  My tree is up, the decoration are hung and the cookies are baked. (No cards this year)  I am more in the Christmas spirit as it gets closer, but tears come to my eyes as well.  Finding Craig's stocking was tough, hanging our "First Year Together 1980" on the tree was tougher.  Certain songs are hard to listen too, but it is all part of healing and I know that.  Tears are not always sad, tears are happy too, remembering the good times, happy times.  I still miss sooo much.  Oops here come those tears!!

Emily's birthday was on December 4 and I know that what a tough day for her.  Another first.  Each first that we share is like opening a wound and waiting for it to heal again.  She and Kyle then had their first anniversary on the 13th.  Christmas is in 2 days and then HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  I just have to BELIEVE that 2010 has got to be a whole lot better that 2009. 

I did have surgery and I am still recovering.  I go back on the 31st ( New Year's Eve) to have the final drain removed and then go to Dr. Cort to figure out what kind of treatment is best for me to be on for Crohn's.  I have to say I am very upset that after 15 years of keeping my Crohn's under control it is now flaring up.  I hope I do not end up having to have more surgery or worst yet another bowel resection.

I am hoping to get together with some of Craig's work friends after the first of the year.  That would be so nice.  I miss see them.  They were such a big part of our lives and were and still are so good to me.

I have been keeping busy writing my book.  I just wrote half of chapter 4 today.  It is a long process but I hope when it comes out it is a great success and inspires many and helps fund meso research.  I am also going to be more involved with the Simmons Firm as they are going to start a Meso Foundation as well.  I hope to have an intricate role in that. 

I am also planning on going to Aruba in March.  Craig and I have a timeshare down there.  It will be my first time down there without him.  My sister Phyllis and her husband Lee may be going with me....otherwise I will be looking for someone to go with me....I don't want to go alone!!

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy Healthy New Year.

BELIEVING

Shelly

p.s.  Jim Klopstien passed away last week.  Deb is still doing well...YEAH!  

Good News - Shelly has completed Chapter 3.  Way to go Shelly, I cannot wait to read this book.  We should start a reservation list for books fresh off the press.  (Maya if you are reading this – could you do that?)

NASTY "F" WORD - Shelly had emergency surgery Tuesday evening at Missouri Baptist Hospital.  She has a fistula and an abscess.  She doesn't know exactly what Dr. Cort did in surgery, but she has drains hanging out of her body draining bad stuff out of her.  She is on pain meds and antibiotics.  She is waiting for Dr. Cort's office to call her back with details.

When I found this out I went to my prayer closet and cried out "why Lord" I don't understand, this woman has gone through enough - please make it stop - so please join me in praying for Shelly 's quick recovery and for her to get on with living.  We all know Craig's heart on his beloved wife - he wanted her to be happy and enjoy her life after he was gone.  Did either of them want how ended up, with them be apart NO, but Craig was adamant about what Shelly was to do with her life.

She is home alone, all of us are working - I'm sick and cannot go near her - if any of you can, please call her and spend some moments with her - she was the ultimate caregiver and now needs care. 

Still believing and praying!
Carol<><

Well, the holidays are bearing down on us and I am leaving for Michigan in about 10 minutes.  I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.  This will be the beginning of our first holiday season without Craig.  Oops my ride is here....gotta go.

Write more. later,

Love to all.  Shelly

Days and months have come and gone, and I'm missing you! 

Missing my friend, co-worker, and the person that God used to show me men were okay, and they could be wonderful husbands and fathers.  

At times I can hear his voice approaching my door and I ready myself to "banter" with him (which was our norm).  I miss the "wave" - it wasn't a parade float wave - or a beauty queen wave  - he didn't move his fingers up and down.  His hand was angled sideways and it just went down with a quick whip.   

I miss his even-headediness - he was practical and straight-forward - he didn't mince words but he choose them carefully.  

I have seen him in the car next to me in my commute into work.  I had a dream that was so real, he was coming back to work after being gone for a while from being sick (like he had done in the past) but when I woke I knew my friend was not coming back.

Until the Friday just before Shelly returned from her trip I had not mourned Craig.  I had called the house before and got the answering machine with his voice...but it was that night that my heart understood my friend was gone.  The tears flowed and they have been flowing since, and that is okay because it brings healing.   

We all go through the grieving process differently, and mine was just delayed, and maybe you are or haven't grieved him; maybe by me writing this it will help you start your process or help you know it is okay to move forward.   

I'm still praying and believing,  Love you Shelly, Emily & Kyle! 

Carol<><

Well, chapter 1 is finished!  It has been edited and reworked and is now in for the final editor's ok.  However, I am sure he is going to approve since we went over the needed changes last week.  One chapter down 17 to go.  Actually I have already written chapter 2's rough draft.  I am on a 3 week cycle.  I will need to write and edit one chapter every 3 weeks to meet my deadline of Oct. 1 of next year.  That is when we would like to send my manuscript out to publishers.  If anyone has an in with a publishing company let me know.

My dad is going to be moved into the Alzheimer's unit tomorrow.  I guess he is failing quickly now.  He does not communicate too much anymore and rarely leaves his room.  I am looking forward to seeing him when I go up for Thanksgiving, yet I know it will break my heart to see him like that and worse yet, I don't think he is going to know me.  I know this will be painful for me because he has always recognized me before.  I am going to fly in and my nephew Don and his 2 little ones are going to pick me up and we are going to go have lunch and then he is taking me over to see my mom and dad.  I look forward to seeing Don and Devon and Vanessa since I have not seen them in months and they change so quickly.  I am also looking forward to spending some one on one time with my mom, she is very anxious for me to come and see her too.

I went shopping with Emily and we managed to get some of her Christmas and birthday gifts bought.  We had a really nice day.  We spent the whole day together.  We haven't done that in quite a while.

  I am not looking forward to Christmas.  I know this holiday will be hard for Emily and Kyle as well.  Craig was like a kid during Christmas.  He had to have the biggest tree, the outside lights had to be perfect, he had to shop on Christmas Eve, he just loved the holiday.  It is going to be rough to start traditions without him.  I dread finding our First Christmas Together ornament, his stocking, decorating, sending cards with just my name on it.  It is just going to be a difficult time.  Emily and Kyle are going to help me put up the tree this year so that will be a huge help.  They also promised to help me take it down....even a bigger help!  I would like to take it down on Dec. 26 like Craig and I always did, but Emily said she is just promising before she has to go back to work.

BELIEVING....Shelly

Greg:  Thanks for the note.  The weather here has been great the last 2 weeks.  I hope for a little snow while I am there.  Say hello to Mel.  Love, Shell

To the Shanty Gang:  Thanks for writing me about your night out.  I know Craig was with you in spirit.  He told me MANY stories about the Shanty and I also had the privilege of visiting that fine establishment myself.  I hope you sang "Moon River" loud and clear as I know Craig said that was a Shanty must.

Shelly,

Sounds like Europe was great. I know you'll be seeing family and friends over Thanksgiving, but based on current weather I suggest a return to Italy! We haven't seen the sun for it seems like 6 weeks.

Greg

I'm back!!  Wow, what a life experience.  I wish everyone had the chance to see Europe.  I LOVED Italy.  I want to go back someday, hopefully sooner than later and spend more time in Rome, Venice and Naples.  Although all of the ports of call were beautiful, I would have to say, Italy's were my favorite.  The one that surprised me the most was Croatia.  It was pretty amazing as well.  I could go on and on about each of them, but I would never do them justice.  I just walked around in pure awe at each countries architecture history and splendor.  It was absolutely breath taking at times.

Now that I am back, I will try to get someone to post some of my favorite pictures.  I will be going back to Michigan for Thanksgiving with Emily and Kyle (Hazel too) to see my family.  Hopefully by then I will have some pictures to post and they can help me.  I am also trying to dig through PILES of mail, emails, bills, etc., since I have gotten home.  Craig use to handle all of this stuff.  I use to just unpack and do the laundry   and I thought I had the hard job.  YIKES!

My editor read chapter one of my book and he loved it!!  I am sooo excited.  He said it needed very few changes.  He said I was a "natural writer". He obviously has never read this blog!!   The pressure is on.  He liked my detail and emotion and told me I had to keep it up through the entire book.  I just needed to rework my opening paragraph and that he would help me.  So on to chapter 2, meeting the families and getting married.

I will write more soon.

BELIEVING....Shelly

p.s. Martha's father passed away.  Jim K. is still in hospice.  And Deb R. is still fighting hard.  Thanks for your prayers!!

Shelly, Hope you are having a great time? Did Patty and Lisa corrupt you, ha ha. I hope you all had a great time. 

Wow Kyle sounds like you and Brent did well. I have trouble just walking our dog. I guess the years don't help. 

Well Shelly can't wait for you to get home I have alot to tell you. 

Phyllis and Linda - How are you guys doing? I miss everyone but Shelly keeps me in synch with everyone. 

I missed the run over in Illinois as my niece and her family was home from Alaska. They are now being stationed in CA so getting a little closer to home. 

Talk to everyone soon take care

Pam  

I am getting ready to leave for the Mediterranean.  I am all packed up (I hope) I will be leaving for 2 weeks!!   I will take lots of pictures and if someone will post them when I get back I will share a couple of my favorites.

Kyle ran the Chicago Marathon today!!  Both he and his brother Brent finished.....poor Brent injured his knee, but finished....UGH!!  I don't think I could bike 26 miles.  So I am very proud of him (both of them).  He has put in LOTS of time training for this and finished in about 3 hours 45 minutes.   Congrats Kyle and Brent.  Brent also passed the Barr exam on his first try...his is so bright.  He has a job in Chicago and will do very well for himself after working so hard at the University of Michigan to get his law degree.

I will start chapter 2 of my book when I return from my trip.  I hope it is as easy to write as chapter 1.  Well off to bed for some shut eye before the big trip. YIPPEE!!

BELIEVING....Shelly

p.s.  Martha's dad passed away yesterday.  Jim K.  has been placed in hospice care.  Please keep them and their families in your prayers.  Thanks.

p.s.s.  GO WINGS....back on track

The Meso Walk was GREAT!!  This walk was pulled together in 8 weeks.  The organizers were hoping for 200 people---we had over 500 runners and walkers!!  The weather could not have been better, cool and sunny.  Many of Emily and my friends showed up in support, thank you.  You continue to amaze me with your continued support.  Together we will find a cure!!  I am sure Craig was smiling down on us.

I finished chapter one of my book.  I hope the other chapters are as easy to recall as chapter one.  However, I was writing about happy times and crying, I can't imagine what it will be like reliving the illness and then the loss all over again.  In a way I think this will be cathartic.  It will also be nice to have everything down for my family and grandchildren to read someday.  I meet this Thursday with the editor and we are going to go over the contract, etc.

Life!  I keep moving forward.  I am getting very excited about the cruise.  I leave in 12 days....but who's counting   I have shopped and shopped some more!  I think I have a new fall wardrobe for the trip.  Kyle has been busy getting ready to apply to colleges for his doctorate.  Emily has been busy helping him, working, and teaching Hazel some cool tricks.  She is also checking out everything about every school Kyle is applying.  Cost of living, schools, housing, etc.

I am bowling again, I think I am going to join a tennis club when I get back from the cruise.  Emily and I will take lessons together.  I am missing playing.  My days have been pretty full.  I miss my family.  I wish they lived closer.  It seems harder and harder to connect.  We try, but we play phone tag!!  I love you all very much. 

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s.  Please continue to pray for Jim Klopstein, Bill Hayden and Deb Rolerkite.  Thanks.

I have officially started writing my book!  I am about half way through chapter one.  It is more emotional than I thought it would be.  I am writing about how Craig and I met and just finished about our first date and kiss.  It made me cry.  I can only imagine how tough the chapters about his illness will be.  Wish me luck!!

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s.  DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE MESO WALK THIS SATURDAY IN ALTON!!  I HOPE TO SEE A LOT OF YOU THERE.

I have been getting ready for my trip to Europe.  I cannot wait to go!! I am going with several friends for 13 days   I think I will visit 5 countries...how exciting.  I will have two of my best friends in my room, Patti and Lisa.  So the sleeping quarters will be tight, but the outings will be a blast!!

I think we will have a good (maybe great) turnout for the Meso Walk next week.  If you haven't signed up, you still can, I would LOVE to see you there.  As always, I am still fighting to help find a cure!  Too many people I love are still battling for their lives.

 Robbie and Jill Cagel and Loring and Mary Jane are coming in this weekend!  They come in tonight and will be here through Saturday.  I am really looking forward to our "little reunion".  I am also having Lisa and her husband Paul and Patti (her husband is in Alaska) over on Saturday for a pre-cruise party get together.  This way they will all know each other before the trip.  Patti'scoming over early to help make her  famous homemade pizza, salad and cheesecake are on the menu...YUM!!

I meet next week with the editor that will help me with my book.  I am going to over the details of the contract and how we get it published, etc.  I want to make sure a minimum of 25% of each book goes to the Meso Foundation in Craig's name.  I guess it usually takes a year to write a book....yikes!  I hope I can do it.  This is really going to be an emotionally challenging assignment.  But I hope it will help and inspire people in their battle of meso.   I just never considered myself a very good writer as you can tell by my blogs   I just put my thoughts out there and my brain just dumps out through my finger tips.  I hope I can somehow put them into book form??

Well I guess that is were the BELIEVING will have to come in now right?

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s.  I have several VERY ill friends.  Please say special prayers for Jim Klopstien, Martha Klien's dad BILL & Deb Rolerkite. Thanks!

http://www.milesformesothelioma.org/

http://www.milesformesothelioma.org/register/

ENTRY FEE
100% of all entry fees go to the Meso Foundation. Plus the Simmons firm will match every entry with an additional $15 donation to the Meso Foundation!  All entry fee checks should be made out to the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation (learn more about the Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to finding a cure).

$15 if postmarked on or before September 16th
$20 if postmarked after September 16th
$25 if you register on site the day of the event

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Fund-raising continues after man's death

August 28, 2009 10:02 PM

By DAN BRANNAN

Shelly Kozicki never gives up in her push to raise funds for the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation.

Shelly and her husband, Craig, have raised more than $150,000 for mesothelioma research over the past decade.

On April 1, Shelly lost her husband after an 11-year struggle with mesothelioma. Today, she lives in St. Charles, Mo., without Craig, who she described as her "soul mate," but she is determined to raise funds to find a cure for mesothelioma.

She and Craig were married for 28 years, meeting when she was 18 and he was 24 at Monsanto in Trenton, Mich. Six weeks after they met, they were engaged.

I came in contact with the St. Charles woman through a series of articles we did about the Simmons law firm and its upcoming move to Alton. John Simmons, owner of the firm, and Mark Motley, a vice president of communications, told me about her brave and difficult struggle with her husband’s illness and how she has turned the tragedy into a triumph by raising funds for research into the terrible disease. Mesothelioma is a cancer of the lining of certain internal organs, primarily the lungs, caused by exposure to asbestos.

The Simmons firm represented Craig and Shelly in a lawsuit, and she said the firm now has become like family. Shelly said they always stay in touch with her and assist her with her mesothelioma fund-raising efforts.

"They care," Shelly said. "Jeff Cooper was assigned our case. They were compassionate and treated us with patience. I just didn’t feel they were lawyers."

Shelly’s other worthy cause is working to build awareness that the United States needs to mandate a total ban of asbestos.

Many other countries have halted asbestos from entering their borders, but the United States is lagging behind, and ultimately, it could cost Americans their lives.

Craig, 53, was a young man when he died with nothing but a bright future ahead. He was a chemical engineer at Solutia in East St. Louis. Shelly told me he always was the love of her life and that she misses him so greatly it sometimes is nearly impossible to continue on. But she does forge ahead each day, with his memory deep inside, hoping to help other families with the cancer.

It is believed that her husband, Craig, was exposed to asbestos when he was a child. Often, the latency period for the disease is 20 to 40 years. In regard to asbestos, Shelly said there is no safe level of exposure. Even a single fiber of asbestos can cause a person to develop this form of cancer.

Craig and Shelly have a daughter, Emily, and when she learned about her father’s illness at age 12, she worried whether her father would walk her down the aisle at her wedding. With the help of his wife, Craig survived long enough to walk her down the aisle to her husband, Kyle Steele.

"It was weird that one of her first questions that very first night he was diagnosed was about her father walking her down the aisle when she got married," Shelly said. "Craig pushed himself to stay alive, and after her wedding, he really made a downturn. Emily was definitely a daddy’s girl. She was the apple of his eye, and her dad was her hero."

Chris Hahn, the executive director for the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation, said Shelly and Craig Kozicki are special people.

"Craig was a symbol of hope that people can live with mesothelioma and that it is not a death sentence," he said. "He showed there are programs and treatment options with the disease. She is definitely an amazingly strong and dedicated person."

Shelly’s plan is to not stop the momentum she has started with raising funds for mesothelioma.

"I promised Craig that I would continue," she said. "I now receive phone calls from throughout the nation. I think our story gives hope to people who are dealing with this. People are often still told they have six months to get their affairs in order. There is hope, and there are doctors out there now that can help. This is something I will do until the day I die."

To learn more about Shelly’s fund-raising push, visit www.craigkozicki.com or contact her at (636) 284-9881.

Shelly,

Just wanted you to know that, in honor of Craig, the old Shanty Gang (or "Craig's Buddies" as Mr. K always called us) got together last night at "The Shantie" in Warren (the old "Shanty" in Hazel Park is no longer a bar).  Although Peat and Francis couldn't make it, Don, Doug, Billy, Nelson, Tim, Doug McKinney and I were there, having a few beers and Black Bun Specials, reminiscing about old times.  There were truly times when it felt like Craig was there as we reached back a few decades in time, laughing at the mostly inane things we did back in high school and college.

For what it is worth, we did talk about the fact that some of us are still checking the blog periodically to see how you, Emily and Kyle are doing and that you still post entries on occasion.  Our main interest is that you, Emily and Kyle are doing well, and it sounds like you are.  From our perspective, it's great that you continue to blog on occasion because it helps some of us stay connected, but you shouldn't feel obligated to continue.  We just want you to know that we all think of you and are here for support, even it is it only through our thoughts and prayers from many miles away.

Take care,
Tush

P.S. - Please pray for Tim Milligan's wife, Nancy, who is battling brain cancer.  While we have always been impressed with your strength as you and Craig went through his battle, none of us have had the experience to truly know what you have gone through.  Tim says he now has a greater appreciation for your role in the journey.

First of all, I didn't think people were reading anymore so I stopped blogging.  Come to find out, my blogs have been missed

So I will try to catch you up.... Craigbird is no longer coming.   The first night I cried and then I thought he realized that I didn't need to be watched so closely.  That I was doing ok on my own.  So now I look for him on occasion, but he has never returned.  But, I am doing better each and every day.  Feeling stronger, more independent and feeling like I am finding MY way in the world.  I know Craig would be proud of me!

Emily and Kyle are doing well too.  Kyle is applying to Grad Schools all over the country to become a Professor in History.  It is his dream and I hope that he gets accepted to the school of his choice. He is also training for the Chicago Marathon, which takes place in October.  He is a running maniac.   Hazel is getting bigger by the day and she loves her grammy   Emily is busy with work, enjoying the puppy and we have been trying to spend more time together, which has been very nice.  

The Simmons Firm is somehow involved with opening a Hospice Center in Illinois.  They called me and asked me if they could name a room, or suite or wing after Craig.  It would be" The Craig Kozicki -----"  Needless to say, after I choked back a few tears, I told them it would be an honor.  It will be dedicated in Feb. and I will go then to the dedication.  His name and his legacy continues to go on!!

I was just interviewed for a "Human Interest Story" that is going to run in "The Telegraph".  It is a paper out of Alton, IL.  If you would like to read it I know you can pull it up.  If I knew how I could set up a link??? Duh!

Now for the BIG news for me.  The Chief Editor of the paper has helped write and publish several books.  Well, he was fascinated by our family's story and would really like me to write a book.  I told him several people over the years have told Craig or I or both, that we should write a book.  So, I am going to read a couple of the books he has published.  If I like them, I think I will write our story as an inspirational book.  (First person)  I will then have some (not sure how this works) of the proceeds go to the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation to Craig's Grant.  It will be an on going fundraiser.  I am going to talk to MARF to see if they will help market the book as well. 

I am still working with the Meso Foundation and doing the Hope Center.  I am also still waiting for my new venture with the Simmons Firm to take off. (I am really excited about that)  So I think I will get busier and busier over the next several months.  I am keeping my promise to stay involved and hopefully make a difference.

ALSO, I am going on my Mediterranean cruise with my friends soon....Yippee!!

I will try to do a better job at the blog....I just thought people weren't reading

Believing....Shelly      (I think my book title should be BELIEVING....What do you think??)

I just went to see my brother Doug and his family in Lake Tahoe about 10 days ago.  It was a short but very nice visit.  I was able to spend one on one time with each of my nephews and their girlfriends, as well as my niece her husband and 6 month old son Ben.  I also spent a day with my brother going around the entire lake.  It was a beautiful day and we stopped at Emerald Bay and I also got him to go up in a para sail.  We had the option of 600' or 1200', of course I picked 1200' and it was a gorgeous view of the lake and mountains.  My brother would have been happy at 600'   Once he relaxed a bit and stopped worrying that they was no "safety line" I think he enjoyed it as well.

Then they through a birthday party for my nephew Joe on Sat.  It was a "white trash" themed party!!   So we ALL dressed the part. I completed my outfit with a black bra and a white "wife beater" tee.  Not to mention the much over done makeup and hair teased into knots.  It was fun and even got a knock on the door by the cops at one point.... But they left and when they realized we were just having a good time!

Craigbird:  Thanks for posting him Phyllis.  Yes he still comes faithfully.  Still has not missed a day.  Now here is a weird story.  My brother has a small bathroom off of his laundry room.  That I never use.  However, the night of the party the other bathrooms were full, so I went in there.  Hanging on his wall was a close up 5 x 7 picture of a Craigbird.  Just a bird in a white frame.  I went out and asked my brother if he knew that he had that picture....he didn't even know what I was talking about.  Of all the birds to have in his bathroom and the chance of me seeing it the night before I left and him not even realizing it was in there....another sign!!!  Craigbird was with me in Tahoe too! 

I am trying to put my life back in gear.  It is difficult to do when you are not sure which direction your life will be taking.  When you always had a plan, a dream, and someone who ALWAYS supported you in all of those things is gone....It really sucks.  I wish I could just feel supported, loved unconditionally again and happy.  I have to BELIEVE those days will come...but they seem so far off.

believing....Shelly

Its the best I could do in cropping - sorry!?!

I feel so witty with my car lingos!

Let's see,  I had Hazel this past 5 days or so while Kyle and Emily were on vacation.  She is sooo cute.  She reminds me of a puppy that you would make at "Build a Bear."  She has long and lanky legs and the most adorable face.  I enjoyed watching her however, I forgot how much energy a puppy has!!  She and Luke get along pretty good so that is a relief.

Kyle and Emily had a nice and relaxing vacation.  I think they needed to just get away and RELAX....so they did!  Beach, pool, eat....you know just a very laid back a relaxing time.

Craigbird is still coming every single day!!  My sister Linda looked the type of bird up and it is an Eastern Bluebird.  I took pictures of him and he didn't fly away while I did that either!!   I wish I knew how to post them so all of you could see how pretty he is and how and where he sits, I think you would be amazed.  This bird has not missed a day in probably 2 months now.  He is so out of his natural elements according to what my sister sent to me.  He likes open areas and nests in holes of trees.

I am going to see my brother Dougb & his family on Wednesday for a few days.  I think it will be a lot of fun.  I have never been to Tahoe in the Summer.  I have been in the Fall and in the Winter, so I am looking forward to seeing and enjoying the lake in the summer.  It will be a short but sweet visit.  My nephew Joe is having a birthday party on Saturday.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!!  Then I fly out on Sunday.

My work is getting more interesting.  I don't know how much I can put on here yet, but it is a dream that I was hoping to start working on in about 5 years and now it is on my front door step.  So I am very excited about it.  It has to do with mesothelioma of course and my passion of working with patients and doctors.  But I really can't say more than that right now.  Just keep me in your prayers and thoughts that things keep moving forward and I keep gaining the confidence that I need to push myself beyond my comfort zones!

I am also suppose to be going to see Rob and Jill Cagel in late August (meso patient & his wife) in Illinois.  They are good friends and I look forward to seeing them.  Julie G. was interviewed by a local magazine about her story and then got a TV interview as well,  I was sooo proud of her.  She did an awesome job!!

Well, I guess that is it.  Thanks for reading.....

Believing....Shelly

Neutral - That is about the best way I can explain how I have been feeling this past week.  Not really moving forward and not really moving backwards.  I have been struggling with my emotions, responsibilities and feelings.  I have not been feeling as confident about my future as I did a week ago.  I feel like my life is on hold and I am having a hard time figuring out how to push myself to be happy right now....  I wish I could put into words the frustration I am having to deal with right now, but I cannot.  I know one day that I will be happy and have control of my life again, but right now I feel my life is not in my control!!

This is a strange blog...it is just me trying to journalize some feelings that I need to get out and as usual they end up here.  In some aspects I am doing very well, better than I thought I would, but in others I think I am failing.  I still like who I am becoming and I am comfortable in my own skin.  Although I am finding being alone is lonely.  Nights are the hardest and weekends aren't so great either.  I have gone to movies by myself and eating in restaurant alone is almost routine.  I feel that getting out and doing things by myself is much better than staying home, because that is very depressing.

I hope to regain direction soon.  Find inner peace and start to moving forward again.  I look forward to the day when I can blog that I am taking control of my life and finding happiness again.   I cannot tell you the last time I felt that I had "control" of my life.  Ever since Craig has been ill my life has been a roller coaster of emotions.  Emergency trips to doctors and flights to NY.  Vacations cut short and countless sleepless nights.  I would not change a thing, as a matter of fact I wish I was still on that roller coaster!!!

Sitting in neutral.  Hoping to find my way in the world soon.  Wanting to be happy sooner than later. 


believing...shelly

I hope all of you had a wonderful 4th of July.  Mine was kinda of strange.  I went to see Jerry and Linda Walther for dinner on Friday and that was great.  I met some of their friends and Jerry and Linda made me feel right at home.  Thanks for the invite!!

Emily and Kyle came over and stayed both Friday and Saturday nights.  I went shopping with Emily on Saturday and she finished picking up things to finish off decorating their condo.  She told me they spent Sunday hanging pictures and placing pictures in new frames.  They also bought some new furniture and now I think their condo is finally feeling their home. 

Hazel is sooo cute. She is up to 18 pounds, but she is doing very well with her obedience classes, except for walking on a leash!  She hates that...she wants to run free.  I will have her for a week when Emily and Kyle go to Florida.  They will be staying at Mary Jane and Loring's Condo.  It is beautiful and I know they will have a great time.  It is in Fort Meyers.

Sunday for some reason was just a bad day.  I don't really know why.  I just really missed Craig and I didn't even get dressed.  I just read and had a pity party.  But I am better now.

NOW about my bird!!!  I have a bird that is blue (Craig's favorite color) with a red breast, that sits FAITHFULLY, EVERY NIGHT on a 1" piece of wood that is the archway to my front door.  I can see it from the inside looking out.  He comes every evening and stays until dawn....then he is gone!!!  He has no nest, he looks uncomfortable perched on the 1" piece of molding, yet he comes everyday.   I think it is Craig watching the front door for me through the night.  My little guardian bird.  He will not fly away if I come in and out of the front door even with the dog.  I have stood underneath it and he just looks at me.  So I know this may sound strange, but I think it is a sign!!!  Craig is still watching over me and caring for me.  That little bird brings me joy every night.  I can't wait for him to come.  Believe it or not I have named the bird Craig. 

I hope you find happiness today.

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s.  Please keep Linda Weindel and her family in your prayers.  Her father passed away on July 3rd after a long battle with cancer.

I do not even know where to begin with my experience this past weekend.  Do I start by telling you how sad or how wonderful it was.  I think it best to start with the sadness because it got a lot better.  It was an amazing experience and I hope more of you will be able to attend in the future.  I will tell my personal story with a short photo journal.

Walking into the room  and seeing Craig's name on the Tribute Wall for the first time was overwhelming, to say the least. 



Then, Shelly added his photo to the 'candle' - joining those who had gone before him. Another emotional moment!



We then lit candles and placed them on the table in front of our loved one's name on the Tribute Wall. Shelly needed a little help - the darn lighters were not too easy to light.  We then walked over and put our candles under Craig's name.



Observing Emily as she looks at the wall and is amazed at how many families are suffering.  She was taking in the realization she is not alone in her pain.



But, it does gets better - Shelly received a standing ovation when their award was announced.  There was whistling and shouts of praise as she approached the podium.  I was shown again how much love there was in that room for my little sister and for Craig's memory. 



Shelly gave her profound acceptance and challenge to everyone to continue to fight for a cure.  (The background was black and I was too far away - but I did want to pass the photo along.)  She spoke from her heart and there was not a dry eye in the house.



Then, another standing ovation as she returns to her seat (she is in the middle in the red dress) - again, with whistles and shouting!  When it was all over she was swarmed by people seeking advise on fund raising and showing their personal support.  She raised 107K that night - the first time a plea for funding has ever been challenged at a Symposium.




Dr. Taub showing us his award.  He is a very quiet  and humble man.  You would never know by talking to him the impact he has had on so many lives.  I could see why Shelly and Craig thought so highly of him.  He is well respected and honored within the community.



Then, here is our wonderful Dr. Chabot who kept our darling Craigie alive for almost 11 yrs!  He took the microphone when everyone was done speaking - praising and honoring the life Craig lead with his supportive wife and daughter.  They only made his job that much easier. He is an amazing doctor - you could just see how much he loved the Kozicki's.  He was a pleasure to meet!  You would all just love him, too!!!



So, that was a snapshot of the weekend. I really do not know how supportive I was, I think I cried more than Shelly and Emily!  I was glad to be there and I hope I was support to them in some small way.

I love you, Shelly and Emily!

Phyllis (a.k.a. Auntie)

I am back from Washington DC with a very special award and very sore feet! 

I arrived in DC on Wed. and had dinner with some very special friends and ate WAY too much (that was the theme for the week(end).  After dinner I finally went to bed about midnight and did not sleep a wink...UGH!  Thursday was the day the rest of the meso patients arrived, some I know well and some I have talked to but have never met and then the newbies.  This day started at 7:30, everyone who knows me, knows what a morning person I am!! (again the theme for the weekend)  It was an emotional day as those who I know came in and we hugged and remembered Craig.  It was very difficult for many (me included) to see Craig's name on the
Tribute Wall and tears flowed easily through breakfast. 

We then all received our assignments to meet with our Senators and  Congressman on Capital Hill.  It was de'ja vu'.  I always hope it does some good, but I always feel the same way....tired and a bit unheard, even though they SEEM to listen.  I had Craig's picture, his ashes, and Julie G. had gathered 1000 signatures and ran me a copy to take with me to show support.  Thanks Julie!

Then it was back to the hotel....a bit of pool time!    Then we ate dinner at the hotel.  My sister Phyllis and brother-in-law Lee arrived just in time to eat and have a couple of drinks.  Emily arrived about 11:30.  I believe I behaved that night and was in bed.

Friday....This was the BIG day.  This was the official dedication of the Tribute Wall.  I had been doing REALLY well.  I was consoling other people that were having a hard time prior to today.  But, when I had to go and light a candle and move me feet towards the wall, I just couldn't move.  The tears came easily and the pain did too!  All four of us got up when I finally collected my self and I lit a candle and then Emily and I lit one together.  The meso community was very supportive and hugs came from all directions.

Afterwords we walked to have lunch....more food!  Then Emily and I went and laid by the pool for a couple of hours and then took a much needed nap.  It was then time for the Gala Dinner and my Acceptance Speech. (Carol posted it on Friday..thanks!)  It went over well.  I had to power through some parts.  But it was received well.  I was approached the rest of the night and on Saturday and was told by total stranger and people I knew as well, how inspiring my speech was, so that made me feel very good!  What I am really excited about is that in my speech I asked people to donate money to Craig's Grant...$50,000 was collected that night!!!!!!!!  WE are half way to fulfilling another grant in Craig's name.  Plus I challenged people to start their own fund raising effort.  Another $57,000 was collected as well!!!!!!  AWESOME!
 
A group of 12 of us went to dinner.  I have to say at one point I did have to go to the bathroom and broke down.  Someone went around and took pictures of all of the couples......    But the night was young.  We ended up back at the hotel bar.  YIKES!!  Kyle flew in at some point, but I think it was last call!  I had a couple of chocolate martinis...NEED I SAY MORE!!!    CELEBRATION.

Saturday.  It was time to tour DC.  We had breakfast and Phyllis and Lee dropped us off at the Washington Monument.  They went to the zoo and then went on to see Lee's family.  Thanks so much for coming and supporting me!  I know she said she would be posting some pics.  Sat. & Sun. The 3 of us then took DC by storm.  Seeing A LOT of it.  My feet hurt, my legs feel like lead, but it was great to spend time with Kyle and Emily.

So in closing.  It was a wonderful week(end).  I am hoping to come up with a new fundraiser to help get the next $50,000.  It sadden me when I heard the foundation only gave out 5 grants last year instead of 10 because of lack of funding!!  I hope you will help me to push on in Craig's name to get ONE more grant next year.

BELIEVING....Shelly
.

                                       

The Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation

Volunteer of the Year for the Meso Foundation


I would like to thank the Mesothelioma Foundation for honoring Craig and I with this award.  It meant a lot to Craig to know that he was receiving this prior to his death.  I thank you for letting him know before he passed.

I would like to once again remember the volunteers that have been recognized by the foundation in the past with this award. Klaus Brock, Nancy Buzinski and June Briet.  We are humbled to be named along with these amazing people.

There is also one other person that I would like to recognize and that is our daughter Emily.  She was only 12 when her dad, her hero was diagnosed with this horrific disease. At her age she could have easily taken the wrong path as we travel back and forth from Missouri to NY for treatments.  Instead she did nothing but make us proud.  Graduating at the top of both her high school and college classes.  So Emily it is because of you, that dad and I could take the time to help other people. 

About 11 years ago we went to see Drs. Taub and Chabot after Craig’s diagnosis.  As many are told, he was given 6 months to live.  Through the determination of both of his doctors and Craig’s unmatched will, Craig not only LIVED with his disease but he inspired and gave hope to many.  So the story of this award began way back then.   I would like to give you a brief history of why I am standing in front of you today.  Dr. Taub was always willing to push forward with treatments that were on the cutting edge.  Craig was always willing to do whatever he had to stay alive and advance the science for those that followed.  Thank you Dr. Taub for always being just a phone call away.  Dr. Chabot.  I know that Craig tested your skills more than once.  But never more than in 2006.  If it were not for you working on Craig for over 9 hours in the operating room and giving him that “slim chance” to make it through the night.  Followed by Craig’s determination over the next 4 months in the hospital, he would not have been there this past December to walk Emily down the aisle at her wedding.  We will be forever grateful to you.   

Now about Mary Hesdorfer, who at the time was Dr. Taub’s assistant.  If it were not for her I don’t think I would be standing here today.   Craig and I were in the hall outside of her office when I told her, how I felt like I was plunked on another planet.  How I felt nobody should have to go through this alone.  Mary agreed and without hesitation asked if we would like to talk to other patients.  Of course our answer was yes. Mary, who would have thought that one day our “little acorn” would have grown into a mighty Oak tree!!  Little did we know that Craig and I would not only begin talking to Drs. Taub and Chabot’s patients, but that one day Mary would start working for the Meso Foundation and we would be talking to several other doctors patients as well. Just a voice at the end of a phone line...giving hope when they felt there was none.  Craig often talked to patients about the protocols and what to expect from surgery and chemo treatments, even if he was in treatment or was healing from surgery himself.  I learned from the best teacher and I will continue to do what I have done for the past 11 years.  I will continue to be that voice on the end of the phone line as long as I am needed.

Now I would like to address another issue that is very important as well.  As you can imagine, having just lost Craig this past April I am as angry at the disease as anyone in this room is.  But what I would like to ask YOU to do is what I have done and that is to turn your anger into action for the Meso community.  It would be easy for me to walk away from this disease, the Meso community and say:  well I tried.  Because, I have nothing at stake anymore.  But that is not the case.  I have come to love and care for so many of you and I also promised Craig that I would continue to fight for what is right…And that is finding a cure and stopping the importing of asbestos into the US.  Raising $100,000 for research over a two year period was not done by me.  It was through the generosity of family and friends and companies and fundraisers.

Getting started is the hardest part.  Emily and I decided two years ago that Craig did not need more shirts or golf equipment for his birthday.  What he needed was a cure for Mesothelioma.  So we brainstormed and came up with an idea. Emily wrote a letter, including Craig’s story and asking for a donation in Craig’s honor to be sent to the Meso Foundation to The Craig Kozicki Grant.  We said a heart would be placed in our kitchen for each donation sent.  We sent that ONE letter to our Christmas card list, Craig’s work friends, Meso friends, everyone we could think of.  That ONE letter raised almost $14,000!!  We were 14% to our goal with one letter.

So many people over the years have asked me about fundraising.  How do you do it?  How do you get started?  I say all you have to do is ask!  So the last thing I am going to do tonight is hopefully inspire you, by showing you how easy it can be to start a fundraiser.  This has never been done at a symposium before, so this is not an easy thing for me to do…but I am going to ask.  Doctors, lawyers, pharmaceutical representatives, researchers, patients, caregivers, everyone in the audience.  A bowl has been placed on the table outside in the hall.  I am asking everyone to donate.  Whether it is $5 or $50 or more, please give to the Craig Kozicki Grant, checks and credit cards are accepted!!  However, if you would prefer to start your own Grant I would be even happier!  Set a goal and start your own fundraising effort.  The total amount collected will be announced tomorrow at breakfast.

Once again thank you again for this amazing honor. Craig and I were both humbled when we heard we were receiving this award.

Father's Day...This weekend is going to be a rough one.  I feel so helpless when it comes to Emily.  I miss Craig so much too.  I would always plan something for this day...a BBQ or dinner out, something.  Shop for just the right gift and card.  Now going and buying cards for my dad and his dad was VERY difficult!  I did have to wipe away a few tears in the aisle of Hallmark.  Especially when I passed by the "To My Husband" section.  

It also difficult because it is the first time I haven't had MY dad here for a very long time.  Plus I sent him a card and it had all the words and sentiment that I wanted him to know...but I just don't think he will understand.  So it is kind of a double loss this year.  I can't even call my dad because I don't think he would REALLY know me if I talked to him on the phone.  So I card and some cookies will have to do.... I just hope deep down he knows I love him!

I leave for the symposium on Wednesday.  My speech is written and I have read it to several people and they have given me the thumbs up.  So I am done trying to change and perfect it anymore, I am just going with it.  It is really just from the heart and I hope it inspires some people too!  I also have gathered a lot of ammunition for the Senators and Congressman.  I have tried to be nice the last few years.  This year, I am going with more fire in my belly.  I won't yell and scream, but I WILL show pictures and I will have Craig's ashes around my neck, HOPEFULLY that will make them listen a bit more intently. After the symposium I will ask Carol to post my speech, as I have had several people want to hear/read it.  But, I don't want EVERYONE to know what I am going to say or they will be bored at the acceptance speech

Cruise-Loring and Mary Jane Williams along with several of their friends are going to the Mediterranean in October and invited me to join them.  Well I was hesitant at first, but then my good friend Lisa Blanzy said she would go with me   So we are going from the 12-27. We will be going to Spain (2 days), Venice (2 days), France, Italy (Florence & Cannes), Croatia and Greece. I may have forgotten a port!!  But I am excited!!  It will be over mine and Craig's 29th anniversary on Oct. 25. so that will be good!

So I have been keeping busy making reservations and looking at ports and such.  Also, not being a very good writer, my speech has taken me quite a while to write and rewrite. 

I wish all of you a Happy Father's Day.  Keep Emily close to your heart.

Believing!!!!!   Shelly

BOOOO!!!  The Red Wings lost!  I am not a happy camper.  I was really pulling for them but it was not in the cards.  For all of you who are saying they are done....I believe I have heard that the last 3-4 years!  We still have plenty of young talent coming up, don't count us out!

I finally have a rough draft of my speech written.  It is about 3 pages long, font 16.  So I don't think it will take long maybe 10 minutes at the most.  I am so excited.  Dr. Chabot was NOT planning on coming in for the Gala dinner on Friday night.  I asked him if he would please come and since I was receiving the award for Craig and I and I would love for him to sit at my table.  He finally answered me today and said he could make it!!  Earlier he was not sure he could clear his calender...YEAH!!  It will be so nice to Drs. Taub and Chabot and or course dear, sweet Mary.

Phyllis, Lee and Emily are coming in late Thurs. night.  Friday is the Tribute Day, followed by the Gala dinner.  Friday night Kyle comes in and Sat. & Sun. we are planning a mini vacation to see some of DC.  As many time as I have been there I have never really seen the sights. So we are going to see some of the historical sights...it should be fun.

I went to Solutia on Friday for a plant wide award ceremony for safety.  It was nice that they invited me.  I enjoyed seeing many of Craig's work friends (my friends too!). 

I am getting back into walking.  I have started walking with Renee.  She is determined to get my butt moving and she is flexible, which helps.  I am also getting caught up on all of the paperwork!!  It seemed endless for awhile.  But things seem to be slowing down a bit. 

Nothing else really exciting.  Just keeping in touch.  Father's Day is this Sunday....Keep Emily in your thoughts, I know this is going to be a very rough day for her!

BELIEVING....Shelly

I never thought the Wings would lose untiil I watched them play this series!  They just did not want the cup as bad as Pittsburg did, I guess.  I guess I shouldn't have gotten so excited!

That is what I want tomorrow's headline to read.  We are all excited here in Hockeytown USA, to be sure.  Due to time difference our puck drops at * pm - (same time I realize, but relatively speaking - I wish it were 7 pm here.)  I know Craig is watching and waiting just like we are!  GO RED WINGS!

Don, Eva, Devon and Vanessa will be at our house watching the game.  We are looking forward to an excitng evening!


GOOOOOOOOO WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET'S GO WINGS!!!!!!  I will be watching tonight, that is for sure.  I haven't missed a game...hardly a minute. 

I am hoping that they just "through" that game in Philly so they could win it at home in Hockey Town.  I would like to BELIEVE they are that confident   I hope everyone is pulling for the Wings this year...I know if Craig were her,  he would have wanted it to go to game 7 and then win it at home.  I am hoping he has some pull "up there" and help KEEP the Stanley Cup where it belongs in DETROIT!!!

The puck drops at 7pm....you know where I will be

BELIEVING......Shelly

I realize the Red Wings aren't playing the Blues in the Stanley Cup Playoffs which would certainly bring the blog to full life, but it is very exciting just the same.  I was watching game 6 last night and the Pittsburgh crowd was roaring and I just couldn't help but remember my little Megan (who was four at the time and is now seven) and her Dee-Troit Sauce!! story.  Some of you will remember it (here's the link to the original http://craigkozicki.com/2007/02/09/deetroit--sauce.aspx) but for those who don't here's the story from a three years later perspective.

We had a double date set up with Craig & Shelly to attend the game in their seats (no buffalo chips - the best seats in the stadium) and they had to bail out that morning, if I remember correctly due to Shelly's father getting injured- told us to just take our kids and enjoy.  So here I am a little embarrased that I'm sitting in such expensive seats with two small kids who would appreciate the game the same in the 300th row.  Megan, again four at the time, is spending more time with her coloring book than watching the game, again making me feel pretty self-conscious about the seats we're in.  But when one of the Detroit players has an unfortunate skate vs. leg  collision with Manny Legace, Legace is limped off of the ice for the remainder of the game.

The crowd went wild - 15,000 plus people screaming "DEE-TROIT SUCKS!!".   As is always the case in these situations, the crowd starts to die down.  So with the final repetitions, the count goes from 15,000 to 5,000 to 500 to 50 to 3.  So Megan, who had put down her coloring book to make sure she was part of the commotion, was standing on top of her seat with her arm pumping and screaming with the 15,000.  Then she was screaming with the 5,000 - then the 500 then the 50 - then the 3.  And as it was down to 3 in the entire stadium, her voice rang loud and clear to all those in the surrounding area "DEE-TROIT SAUCE!!"  She had no clue what had happened in the game or what people were chanting but wasn't going to be left out.

The surrounding seats got a big kick out of that and for the rest of the game the three or four more times the same chant rang out for various reasons they all laughed and looked back at our seats and yelled Mango's version instead of the other.

And what really gave it a life forever is the ongoing exchanges Peat and I had on this - just great.  Including the official "Dee-Troit Sauce" CD of kids music that Peat gave Megan in honor of the event.

So Shelly, it would have been much more fun to attend the game with Craig and yourself but since that wasn't possible what a classic memory that lives on as I watch these playoffs.

So - all you Detroit fans - where is the trash talk about the playoffs?  Sound off.  At our house we'll be toasting Detroit and cheering for them in Craig's honor in game 7 Friday night.

It has been just over 2 months since I lost my sole mate.  However, I think I am doing amazingly well.  I AM finding Shelly and I like her!  She is stronger than I thought she was!  I have started consulting about Mesothelioma!!  The important part of the job is teaching people about the effects that mesothelioma has on real peoples lives.  I will be working with lawyers and marketing as well as patients to make sure that they are well informed about how or what is said/read, is received by the patient or the caregiver.  I will also be writing a piece on grieving that will go into print shortly and will be given to those that have recently lost a loved one.  It will contain information that I found useful and things that I needed and never thought I would, along with me as contact.  So it has been a busy last couple of weeks for me as I enter a new phase in my life. 

I am also getting ready for DC.  I have to begin to write an acceptance speech...UGH!  I wish I had more confidence in this area.  I know it will be highly emotional for me.  Just going to the symposium without Craig will be tough enough and seeing his name on the tribute wall...rougher yet.  I am looking forward to seeing so many people in the meso community though. I know I will draw strength from them.  I have an idea of what I want to say, I just need to get it into bullet point form and then fill in the blanks as I go.  I just basically speak from my heart and wing it....  It worked last time, so I hope it will work this time as well.

Phyllis posted a picture of Hazel.  She is adorable!!  I have been the "nanny gram" all week.  She is very smart and slept through the night last night!  She only has one accident per day...not bad for a puppy.  She hasn't chewed anything but her toys, she can sit, lay and will come (from a short distance).  She is FULL of energy and has me worn out by the time Emily and Kyle get home from work.  She seems to know her name now...although sometimes I think, she thinks, it is "good girl"  

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s. Bob Ryan had total knee replacement today...keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  Thanks

Here is a photo of Emily and Kyle's new addition.  She is very cuddily and does not whine - that is all I know at this time, but wanted the world to see how cute she is!




AND, LET'S NOT FORGET  --   GO RED WINGS !!!!

These past two months (almost) have been filled with sooo many emotions I really could not put them into one blog as I know I would miss many.  Today is going to be about finding Shelly.  These past several weeks have been odd for me.  I have never been just "Shelly".  I was always mom & dad's Shelly or Craig's Shelly, but never JUST SHELLY!!  It is strange.  I am trying very hard to be happy in my own skin and finding MY place in the world.

This path has already found twists and turns that I hadn't expected, emotions I don't like to feel (but are very real), questions that I don't have answers for (yet), and feelings that I am not sure how I am suppose to deal with all of the time.  But I am learning more and more about myself everyday.  I think I am stronger than I gave myself credit, although I am not as strong as MANY of you think I am   I find myself wanting more for myself NOW!  I am not a patient person....I guess I always knew that.  I want to keep moving forward, even if it hurts.  It does hurt to move forward, because by moving forward you give up little pieces of the past.  Physical pieces that is.  A simple example is taking Craig's name off countless accounts, forms and bills...each time I do this, it is like I am erasing him somehow.....I cannot begin to tell you how hard that is to do....

But, by doing all of these things I am having to learn to be me, just me.  That is a scary thing sometimes.  I can say I have made strides in some areas and baby steps in others, but I feel that I am healing and moving forward.  I know that would make Craig happy and that will make me happy again one day too!!

Believing...Shelly

p.s.  Emily and Kyle pick up their "baby" (puppy) on Saturday.  She is VERY cute.  Her name is Hazel and she is already about 10 pounds.  Pictures will be posted by somebody when they get her.

YIKES!!  I miss you too Phyllis.  I know I have been busy and phone tag has been a thing with a few people.  I am trying to catch up but with the time change I hesitate to call after 9:00.  I know all to well about tough decisions, you are doing what is best, don't second guess yourself for a second!!  I love you!

I have begun one on one counseling...much better!!  She seemed to validate where I was in my process of grieving and that was refreshing.  I thought I was doing really well, I just needed to hear it from a professional that I was.  I know that may sound strange, but she agreed that I have been grieving along time and that moving on was ok.  Even though I miss Craig terribly, it is ok to begin to move forward with MY life even if has only been a short time since his death.  I really needed to hear that.

I went to a wedding at the Coronado on Saturday night.  That was tough.  It was a beautiful wedding and brought back many emotions.  I thought I would just eat and leave, but I stayed till the end.  I did not dance or anything and I had to go out and compose myself a few times, but I stayed.  I think that was much bigger than a "baby step" for me.  It was really my first time out socially as a "single" person.  I did feel out of place and very alone.  Especially when slow dances were playing.  I cannot tell you how much I missed Craig that night.  (tears are flowing pretty freely now!) Also there was an empty chair next to me at dinner.....UGH!

I have started working on my Hope Center again.  That has been a great help too.  It gives me purpose and drive to know I helping again.  The symposium is just around the corner as well.  I have been thinking about what to say at the acceptance speech.  I wish Emily could just do it for me!!  She is gifted when it comes to writing and speaking.  Maybe I will have her record it and then I will just move my mouth...   Phyllis, Lee, Emily and hopefully Kyle are coming to DC to be to see me accept this amazing honor for Craig and I.  If anyone else wants to come let me know  

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s.  Thank you notes....still pending....I am still struggling. 

I sure miss talking to you.  I keep wondering how you are doing, but we not seem to connect.  I thought maybe the blog was the way to go.  So, how are you?  Are you eating?  Read any good books lately?  How's Luke? When are you planning to go to DC?  I think we will go out on Thurs night and come home Sunday.  That way we can see Randy and Cindy Sat. nite...if they are around.

They are moving Dad to the Alzheimer's unit on Wednesday.  It is so hard to make that decision.  Tho I know he needs to be there, it breaks my heart.  I feel like the bad daughter who put her dad away.  I am sure you understand.  And, then, wouldn't you know it, he's had a 'good spell' since Sunday.  He asked to be shaved on Sunday, he is up walking around, knew he needed to use the toilet and is in a great mood.  I feel so guilty for moving him.  I know it is the right thing and I know he needs to be there - but why does he have to be doing so dang good right now!  It is just so hard.  Lee and I went to the Harbor to see his room and it just made me so sad.  They have all these 'locked' areas and some of the people are a little 'insane' - but well taken care of - just so sad.  They work more on group activities and the unit is only 18 residents - there is better care and attention for him. Each nurse has only 4 residents - and they were all nice and seemed to like their jobs.  I just know in my heart it is where he needs to be.....

Mom is doing well.  Linda finished the bed skirt and it looks beautiful - can't wait to see the valance.  She does such beautiful work.  She moved the pillows from the love seat to the wall along the bed, and with her pillow sham it looks like a daybed - very pretty.  Now, we can decorate the wall above it.  Maybe just three little metal plaques or something.  I will be on the lookout for that next.  Maybe I will take her to Home Goods tomorrow night - to get her out of there.  I know that will be a bad day for her.

Scott and Martha are going to be here this weekend.  Linda is having a b-day party for her on Saturday and I am thinking of what kind of 'princess' cake to make for her.  I cannot decide if I want to do a Barbie doll, princess crown or castle.  I think I might call Isabella and see what SHE wants.  I have some pretty good ideas in my head. 

I love you!
Phyllis

Mandy took the boys for a bike ride yesterday and Everett fell asleep on big brother, Owen.  Everett looks comfortable, but Owen looks scrunched a bit.

Hi, Sissie -

I got the nicest email from Aunt Maryan (Wokas) and I wanted to share it with you.  I do not think they ever met, but she has been a blog reader and financial supporter since the birthday 'grant' drive.  She is a wonderful Aunt and I love her dearly (and she is not even my aunt, she's Lee's!).

"My heart goes out to Shelly and all of you and tho I never met Craig he is the bravest person I have ever heard of and we  have tremendous admiration for him and the family handling it all so well.  It must have been such an effort for him to walk his daughter down the aisle but he did it.  He is a real hero."

OK, on a lighter note -

Hi, Sissie-

LET'S GO RED WINGS!!!  WHOOO HOOOOO!!!  Awesome game last night.  Don and Eva were there and said the crowd ERUPTED when Cleary scored!  OSGOOD, OSGOOD, OSGOOD!!!! I was home screaming and jumping around, myself......now, on to the next series on Sunday! 

You know, I still read this blog just about every day.  It is so comforting to see how you are doing.  I know it has been a source of comfort to you to express your feelings here.  You wear your heart on your sleeve and it makes you appear so  vulnerable and so real.  You are and always have been sincere - no wonder you have so many friends who care and love you so much.  I just cannot imagine how difficult this must be and yet you exhibit so much strength.  I know you do not think you are strong - but you are stronger than you realize.  After all you have been through and continue to go through,  you are still an inspiration to many.  I am so proud to call you my sister!  I love you so muuuuccccchhhhh! (Now I'm crying!)

I just wanted to send a little love and support your way so you know we (the bloggers) are here and we do read and we do care - and as Craig would say, "Never give up!" well, that, and 'it is what it is'

Love you much,
Phyllis

There is Cleary . . .



Then there is Devon . . .

Shelly,

Well, here I am still blogging.  I don't know if anyone is still reading but I am going to continue blogging as this is  the only way I know to keep my self grounded.  I find this blog a place that feels safe...somehow??  I know that may seem strange but I find peace in knowing that I have touched peoples lives and people have touched mine right back through this blog.  I can sit here at any time, day or night and tap on these keys, express my feelings and feel better for doing it.  I know words are misspelled, my grammar is not correct, but I know you don't judge me, you just read because you care.  If you are concerned you call, if you want to, you blog back or you may be one of the many who just read.....and that is okay too!

What started out as a way to keep in touch with family and friends while Craig was so sick in NY years ago has transformed into an amazing, life changing, ongoing, life story.  Ones filled with laughs, hopes, fears, battles, tears, joy, pain, love, believing, achieving, weddings, births and yes, death.  But we shared all of these things together, as an intertwined "blog family.'  It has surprised me how many people have come to know and care about each other through this blog....really care!! 

I have met new meso patient through this blog.  So I know this blog has helped to save lives.  How wonderful is that!!!!

As days turn into weeks since Craig's death, I found an inner peace.  I miss him everyday and find or hear things that remind me of him all the time, but I am at peace.  His is no longer in pain and I have been grieving for a long time.  It is just now the final chapter of OUR lives has come to an end.  I will always have a part of Craig with me when I look into the eyes of Emily.  She is the greatest gift he ever gave me.

My life will continue down a path I do not know. I do want to be a great mom to Emily & (in-law) Kyle (and hopefully grandma someday too!) I do know that one day I will be happy again.  One day my heart will stop aching but it will forever be touched by Craig. I do want to make a difference in this world so Craig did not die in vain.  I will continue my effort to find a  cure and be an advocate for those who are suffering. 

Well, I guess that is about all I DO KNOW today.  If I can do that in my lifetime then.....life is good

BELIEVING

Shelly

I will be leaving to see Brent graduate and see my mom and dad.  I will also be staying with my nephew Frank and his wife Mandie and their 2 boys Owen and Everett.  Owen has made PLENTY of plans for me as I am told.   It will be nice because we will all spend Mother's Day together, including the entire Steele family.  So that will be very nice.  Phyllis and Lee are bring my mom out to Frank's house for a BBQ...I hope the weather is beautiful!!

I will be starting one on one counseling since the group counseling just doesn't seem the right thing for me.  I really think that I am doing great, considering, but I just want to make sure that I am truly healthy.  I have only had 1 or 2 bad days and I have forced myself to be productive.  Get up and pay bills, clean files, go to lunch or something to get out of my funk, so all in all I think that is good.  Like I have said before, I have been grieving for a long time.  Now it is just really missing Craig and the time we spent together.  The quietness of the house, being alone, etc.  I know I will be happy again one day, that is what we BOTH wanted....it will just take some time. 

Our friend Deb R. has lung cancer stage 4.  Please keep her and her family in your prayers.  This is quite a shock as she feels great and really had no symptoms.

I am planning on begining to work next week on my Hope Center Packet.  I will meet with SimmonsCooper and we are going to have a planning session.  They want to know my vision of the packet and are eager to work with me on it.  So that is exciting.  They are willing to help write, implement and design my vision.  I just need to collect the information, put it into order, write a rough outline and submit it.  They will then clean it up and submit it back to me for approval.  Pretty cool!!  I am so excited to get back to activism.

Well I guess that is really about it for now.  I will blog when I return.  HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO ARE MOTHER'S AND GRANDMOTHER'S!!!!

BELIEIVING....Shelly

It has been one month since Craig's death.  Although, for me it feels like I have been losing him since October of 2008.  I think that is when my REAL grieving began.  Not including the multipul times in between when I thought I may loose him and the SHOCK phase of of 1998.  I know I wore my emotions on my sleeve for many months leading to his passing.  Crying came easy and fear, anger and the thought of being alone was never far behind.

But as I said before I have channeled my anger into a positive thing...the MESO Foundation.  I will soon be working again to help find a cure.  I will try to stop the import of metric tons still leagally being imported into the USA and hopefully in my lifetime I will see a change for the better.  In June at the Symposium I will challenge all patients and caregivers to do the same.  To turn their anger into action.

I really think I am going to be ok.  I miss Craig of course!!  But I know from our many talks he would be proud of me for not crying and curling up in a ball and stop living.  He wanted me to move on and be happy and I am doing that for him as well as for me. (as tears are running down my face)   I am going to go to Michigan see Brent (Kyle's) brother graduate from U of M with his Law Degree.  He is in the  top of he class!  I'm so proud of him.  I will see my mom and dad and maybe my sisters, I will only be in 2 nights.  (baby steps)

I have to confess, I am having trouble with thank you notes!!!  I will try to get them out, they are bought but none are written.  Please be patient and all of you know how thankful I am for all you have done and continue to do for me and my family.  I once heard a thank you note can never be sent out too late......so mine my be a test of time. 

Believing.....Shelly

I was thinking maybe I should add a new category...Shelly's Update    I am doing as well as can be expected.  I really think, now as I have gone to ONE group counseling, I am further along than most.  So many have been living with their pain for over a year or more before seeking help...so sad.  I think people were amazed when we went around the table and gave our name and how long it has been since our spouse passed away and I said 3 weeks!

I really think I have been grieving the losing of Craig for a along time.  So the SHOCK part of grief happened to me in 1998.  I think on their 4 step wheel of grief I am on step 3 Disorganization!! Scattered thoughts, forgetfulness (at least now I can blame it on something), picking things up and putting them back down, not really sure what to do with them, etc.

But, I still miss Craig beyond measure.  His touch, his smell, his caring voice and reassurance.  EVERYTHING!!  Craig did give me so much.  I think, no I know, he has even helped me to grieve.  We had MANY talks about his passing, about his thoughts and my thoughts and my fears.  We cried together (mostly me) but he wanted me to move on with my life and be happy.  So I find comfort in that.  When I went to the support group, people were so sad and some seemed so dependent on it (going over and over)!!!  I was rubbing peoples back and handing them tissues.  So I will go again, but I am not sure how much I will get out of it. 

On another note:  I am going to be grandma....to a DOG!!!  Due May 31. Kyle & Emily are VERY excited.  I am going to go shopping for puppy items now.  So I will write later.

Believing...Shelly

p.s.  Please pray for our friend Deb Rolerkite & her family who just found out she has aggressive lung cancer. She is a non-smoker and is in shock.

Thank you, Carol, for posting that.  Thank you, Emily, for sharing that.  That letter from Craig sounds sooo like him.  You are your father's daughter!  Just know that your dad is STILL smiling back at you from "the stands"...

 

My dad had a long list of redeeming qualities and at most, a couple flaws – his stubbornness happened to fall into both categories.  On one hand, his stubbornness (which could better be described as determination or courage) gave him an incredible will to live, and therefore gave all of us many laughs, smiles and fond memories.  It was also because of this stubbornness or determination, if you prefer, that I am not reading you a letter prepared by my dad specifically for this very moment.

 

Three days before my dad passed away, I shared with him a goodbye letter I had written to express my love and admiration for him as a father and a man.  After a few emotional exchanges between us when I had finished my note, he looked up at me with those sincere blue eyes and said “Oh, I still need to get to my letters sometime.” With tears in my eyes, I hesitantly nodded my head, knowing of course due his deteriorating situation that sometime would be never. He wanted to write a few letters to leave behind, one of which was what he wanted read on this day in front of all of you. So I guess this example would fall under the category of his stubbornness being a flaw.  Because my dad had such an amazing outlook and unwavering hope, he refused to give up on life, so he instead had to give up the letter he wanted shared today.  The truth of the situation is that my dad fought hard until the very end, his stubbornness not only giving us years – but extra moments up until his last breath.  Although I do not have a letter to read from him, I do have my best attempt at what I think he would have written – and of course many irreplaceable memories.  I told him one night after he passed, that I would do my very best to express what I think he would have wanted to say – so one of his final wishes would not go unfulfilled.

 

My dad’s letter would be a perfect blend of wit, humor, gratitude and hope – combined for the intention of giving us peace, a little advice and permission to move forward with our memories of him close to our hearts.  So in the following passage, I will attempt to write what my dad would have wrote.  It is hard to capture the words of your father…the person you stared up at with adoring eyes while dancing on his feet, the person you smiled at in the stands in a basketball game eager for approval, the person who inspired you and so many others to appreciate life, the person who made you want to be successful, want to be courageous and want to be just like him.  My dad made me complete and gave me all the love, affection and warm memories a child could ever ask for.  So, to express my gratitude and to fulfill a final wish of a man who has given me so much – I am giving him his final words, his closure he could not say himself. 

 

This is the final letter from Craig Kozicki to all of you.

 

“I want to thank all of you for coming today to celebrate my life.  I told Shelly that I wanted a party, although I’m pretty sure this is not taking place at the VFW hall with cases of beer as I had suggested. Nonetheless, I hope this gathering has a joyful tone providing opportunity for reflection. I understand of course that grieving is a natural part of the process, but I truly hope there will be many more smiles than tears today.

 

And here’s why…

 

I have lived a full life – maybe not in the essence of time – but definitely in the richness of my experiences and relationships. It is easy to say that dying under these circumstances is unfair, and I would be lying if I said at times I don’t feel saddened by what I am going to miss in the future – things like traveling with Shelly or watching Emily and Kyle have a family of their own.  I can promise you though, that I don’t feel cheated as life has given me many gifts that I am eternally grateful for.  Some of these gifts exist as fond memories, while others are simply the people who have touched my life. 

 

When I think about the events that have shaped the person I am or the memories that have brought me happiness – I am overwhelmed with the selection.  I was born into a loving home and as I grew up, I was not only surrounded by an affectionate family, but also happily occupied with friendships comprised of inside jokes, late nights, softball games, nicknames and a few bad decisions here and there.  Then, I met Shelly and learned that my bad decisions weren’t quite as funny to her as they were to my buddies.  In all seriousness, I fell in love with her and proposed six weeks after our first date.  The kindness, devotion and passion she possessed when I met her, has been unwavering in our 28 years of marriage.  In fact, her loyalty has only been strengthened as she has nurtured me through this illness and inspired other caretakers and patients alike.  In 1985 Shelly gave me the gift of a daughter, who I have adored since I first laid eyes on her.  She has been a constant ray of sunshine in my life and has always been optimistic, providing me stability at any moment of weakness.  Through all her endeavors, she has made me very proud.  In December I also gained a son.  I love Kyle like he is my own and trust he will take care of my girls for me when I no longer can.

 

I have lived long enough to meet many people who changed my life forever for the better.  People who made life worth living and worth fighting for – people like all of you. For that I consider myself lucky.

 

I am so grateful for the support and strength you all have given to me and my family. I am grateful for talented doctors, compassionate friends, a warm family and helpful neighbors.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making a difficult situation as easy as it could possibly be.  I could never fully explain what your cards, blog entries and phone calls have meant over the years, but I ask for your continued support of my family and of each other when I am gone.   I have always been humbled by the idea of people calling me a hero, when in fact it has been the effort of all of us together.

 

I want to come to a close with a quote that I am sure you all will feel is appropriate, as it comes from one of my favorite movies - Rocky. I feel it not only reflects my personal battle, but also can inspire you to use today as closure to begin the healing process.  Rocky said, “It ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Find comfort in those words and in knowing that I will always be with you in your memories – and I will live in your hearts and through the stories you tell.

 

If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be that you cannot control the hand you are dealt, but you can control what you make of it.  As I like to say, “it is what it is,” so appreciate and live for every moment and take advantage of every opportunity.  I wish each of you the same happiness that has filled my life so completely.  I’d like to hope, as you move on, that you think about me every once in awhile, because I will never forget what we have shared or how each one of you has uniquely touched my life. 

 

I love you all in this life and the next,

Craig”

Well it is about 2am and I could have sworn I just heard Craig call "Shell"!  So I bolted straight up and said "What, are you okay?"  Old habits are hard to break....  So now is as good as time as any to put some of my thoughts out to all of you.

I really didn't know what to expect on Saturday.  How the place was going to look?  Emily and I went into much detail about how we had hoped it would look, but believe it or not in the 105 year history of the Art Museum, that was the first memorial/celebration of life ceremony!  I was not sure how I would be emotionally or how I would respond when I saw all of you.  I can confess now that I had people watching out for me waiting for a signal to get me the hell our of there!!  I was really afraid of falling apart or just wanting to be left along.  Fortunately neither was true.  I found comfort in your presence and appreciated all of your effort to share Craig's life with us.

I hope everyone got a glimpse into parts of Craig's life they were unaware off.  His life was so much more than cancer.  Cancer in some small way just let others realize what a great and wonderful man he was.  I think all of the speakers did such a great job to help you see how far reaching his kindness, laughter and love stretched. 

Moving on is difficult.  I still have family with me which is a HUGE blessing.  I start grief counseling on Thursday for young widows!!  YIKES!  It has been 3 weeks and in someways it seems like 3 days and in others 3 years....I miss him so much!  That is one thing I cannot find word to describe.  

Believing, hoping and praying my heart will one day begin to heal....Shelly

p.s.  Several people have asked me for a copy of Emily's eulogy.  If more people want it I may just put it on the blog.  I still look at the blog daily.  Don't forget me!!
 

I hated to miss Craig's celebration, but I was running across Illinois with 7 others at the River to River 80 mile relay on Saturday.  I do think Craig was cheering me on at the last leg that I finished at 6:40 pm (he can be in more than one place at a time now).

I hope to see photos and hear some stories of the evening,  I'm sure it was a good time, just like Craig ordered.

Shelly, Emily and all your family and friends, take heart that Craig can be with you at the mere thought of him.  He's with you every step if you want.  (By the way, I'm not making this up - I read it in the somewhere in the book series "Conversations with God".  I think it was in book 3.)  Anyway, Craig wants you to be happy again, so do NOT feel guilty about allowing yourself to seek some fun and enjoyment even in your sadness.  And know our prayers will continue for you.

Okay, enough seriousness for me, bring on the fun stories!

Russ

Hi Shelley and Emily,
We were so sorry to hear the news about Craig. What a great person and we are so thankful that you all were part of our lives. We cherish the memories of when you lived here and miss you!
Please know that we are there in spirit with you.
 If we were there, I'd bring my "Skip It" ! Emily and I owned the record on that thing. And are your memorial attendees going to do your old broom trick? I'm sure Craig's spirit would get a kick out of that!  How many dizzy people fell into your bushes doing that???
You are in our thoughts and prayers - please call us when you come to visit Kathy and Bob.
Love you,
Ray and Peggy Dixon

That is how I feel....stuck!  Not really able to move forward yet.  Perhaps after Saturday I will, but it still seems surreal.  I am going through all the motions I am suppose to, filling out paper work, contacting proper companies and changing documents, but it just doesn't seem real.  I woke up the other night and it took me about 30 seconds to fully wake up and I REALLY thought I was waking up from a nightmare...unfortunately when I fully woke up it was my horrible reality...life without Craig. 

Support!  I have so much.  Cards by the dozens....even from people I haven't heard from in 15 years or more!  Flowers...beautiful!  Food...trust me Emily and Kyle and my brother are VERY thankful  (I am too of course)  Pam Ryan has called every day just to make sure I am okay.  She has not left my side since Craig's death and has promised me she will be here for the long haul!!  She is just one of many who continue to help me cope.  At times I don't know if I will get through the next hour and then someone calls or just happens to stop over....I just know this healing process is going to take a while and I hope I can count on all of you to be there.  At times I feel like I am strong and others I feel so fragile.  I guess that is normal??  Oh well, enough of that...

I am looking forward to seeing you on Saturday.  We are going to have some journals to write your favorite Craig memories in, so start thinking.  We are also having name tags because there are so many people from the blog, work, friends, family, etc.  We think it will be great for people to be able to put names with faces and meet each other.  Craig would have liked that!   

Believing...Shelly