I do not even know where to begin with my experience this past weekend.  Do I start by telling you how sad or how wonderful it was.  I think it best to start with the sadness because it got a lot better.  It was an amazing experience and I hope more of you will be able to attend in the future.  I will tell my personal story with a short photo journal.

Walking into the room  and seeing Craig's name on the Tribute Wall for the first time was overwhelming, to say the least. 



Then, Shelly added his photo to the 'candle' - joining those who had gone before him. Another emotional moment!



We then lit candles and placed them on the table in front of our loved one's name on the Tribute Wall. Shelly needed a little help - the darn lighters were not too easy to light.  We then walked over and put our candles under Craig's name.



Observing Emily as she looks at the wall and is amazed at how many families are suffering.  She was taking in the realization she is not alone in her pain.



But, it does gets better - Shelly received a standing ovation when their award was announced.  There was whistling and shouts of praise as she approached the podium.  I was shown again how much love there was in that room for my little sister and for Craig's memory. 



Shelly gave her profound acceptance and challenge to everyone to continue to fight for a cure.  (The background was black and I was too far away - but I did want to pass the photo along.)  She spoke from her heart and there was not a dry eye in the house.



Then, another standing ovation as she returns to her seat (she is in the middle in the red dress) - again, with whistles and shouting!  When it was all over she was swarmed by people seeking advise on fund raising and showing their personal support.  She raised 107K that night - the first time a plea for funding has ever been challenged at a Symposium.




Dr. Taub showing us his award.  He is a very quiet  and humble man.  You would never know by talking to him the impact he has had on so many lives.  I could see why Shelly and Craig thought so highly of him.  He is well respected and honored within the community.



Then, here is our wonderful Dr. Chabot who kept our darling Craigie alive for almost 11 yrs!  He took the microphone when everyone was done speaking - praising and honoring the life Craig lead with his supportive wife and daughter.  They only made his job that much easier. He is an amazing doctor - you could just see how much he loved the Kozicki's.  He was a pleasure to meet!  You would all just love him, too!!!



So, that was a snapshot of the weekend. I really do not know how supportive I was, I think I cried more than Shelly and Emily!  I was glad to be there and I hope I was support to them in some small way.

I love you, Shelly and Emily!

Phyllis (a.k.a. Auntie)

I am back from Washington DC with a very special award and very sore feet! 

I arrived in DC on Wed. and had dinner with some very special friends and ate WAY too much (that was the theme for the week(end).  After dinner I finally went to bed about midnight and did not sleep a wink...UGH!  Thursday was the day the rest of the meso patients arrived, some I know well and some I have talked to but have never met and then the newbies.  This day started at 7:30, everyone who knows me, knows what a morning person I am!! (again the theme for the weekend)  It was an emotional day as those who I know came in and we hugged and remembered Craig.  It was very difficult for many (me included) to see Craig's name on the
Tribute Wall and tears flowed easily through breakfast. 

We then all received our assignments to meet with our Senators and  Congressman on Capital Hill.  It was de'ja vu'.  I always hope it does some good, but I always feel the same way....tired and a bit unheard, even though they SEEM to listen.  I had Craig's picture, his ashes, and Julie G. had gathered 1000 signatures and ran me a copy to take with me to show support.  Thanks Julie!

Then it was back to the hotel....a bit of pool time!    Then we ate dinner at the hotel.  My sister Phyllis and brother-in-law Lee arrived just in time to eat and have a couple of drinks.  Emily arrived about 11:30.  I believe I behaved that night and was in bed.

Friday....This was the BIG day.  This was the official dedication of the Tribute Wall.  I had been doing REALLY well.  I was consoling other people that were having a hard time prior to today.  But, when I had to go and light a candle and move me feet towards the wall, I just couldn't move.  The tears came easily and the pain did too!  All four of us got up when I finally collected my self and I lit a candle and then Emily and I lit one together.  The meso community was very supportive and hugs came from all directions.

Afterwords we walked to have lunch....more food!  Then Emily and I went and laid by the pool for a couple of hours and then took a much needed nap.  It was then time for the Gala Dinner and my Acceptance Speech. (Carol posted it on Friday..thanks!)  It went over well.  I had to power through some parts.  But it was received well.  I was approached the rest of the night and on Saturday and was told by total stranger and people I knew as well, how inspiring my speech was, so that made me feel very good!  What I am really excited about is that in my speech I asked people to donate money to Craig's Grant...$50,000 was collected that night!!!!!!!!  WE are half way to fulfilling another grant in Craig's name.  Plus I challenged people to start their own fund raising effort.  Another $57,000 was collected as well!!!!!!  AWESOME!
 
A group of 12 of us went to dinner.  I have to say at one point I did have to go to the bathroom and broke down.  Someone went around and took pictures of all of the couples......    But the night was young.  We ended up back at the hotel bar.  YIKES!!  Kyle flew in at some point, but I think it was last call!  I had a couple of chocolate martinis...NEED I SAY MORE!!!    CELEBRATION.

Saturday.  It was time to tour DC.  We had breakfast and Phyllis and Lee dropped us off at the Washington Monument.  They went to the zoo and then went on to see Lee's family.  Thanks so much for coming and supporting me!  I know she said she would be posting some pics.  Sat. & Sun. The 3 of us then took DC by storm.  Seeing A LOT of it.  My feet hurt, my legs feel like lead, but it was great to spend time with Kyle and Emily.

So in closing.  It was a wonderful week(end).  I am hoping to come up with a new fundraiser to help get the next $50,000.  It sadden me when I heard the foundation only gave out 5 grants last year instead of 10 because of lack of funding!!  I hope you will help me to push on in Craig's name to get ONE more grant next year.

BELIEVING....Shelly
.

                                       

The Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation

Volunteer of the Year for the Meso Foundation


I would like to thank the Mesothelioma Foundation for honoring Craig and I with this award.  It meant a lot to Craig to know that he was receiving this prior to his death.  I thank you for letting him know before he passed.

I would like to once again remember the volunteers that have been recognized by the foundation in the past with this award. Klaus Brock, Nancy Buzinski and June Briet.  We are humbled to be named along with these amazing people.

There is also one other person that I would like to recognize and that is our daughter Emily.  She was only 12 when her dad, her hero was diagnosed with this horrific disease. At her age she could have easily taken the wrong path as we travel back and forth from Missouri to NY for treatments.  Instead she did nothing but make us proud.  Graduating at the top of both her high school and college classes.  So Emily it is because of you, that dad and I could take the time to help other people. 

About 11 years ago we went to see Drs. Taub and Chabot after Craig’s diagnosis.  As many are told, he was given 6 months to live.  Through the determination of both of his doctors and Craig’s unmatched will, Craig not only LIVED with his disease but he inspired and gave hope to many.  So the story of this award began way back then.   I would like to give you a brief history of why I am standing in front of you today.  Dr. Taub was always willing to push forward with treatments that were on the cutting edge.  Craig was always willing to do whatever he had to stay alive and advance the science for those that followed.  Thank you Dr. Taub for always being just a phone call away.  Dr. Chabot.  I know that Craig tested your skills more than once.  But never more than in 2006.  If it were not for you working on Craig for over 9 hours in the operating room and giving him that “slim chance” to make it through the night.  Followed by Craig’s determination over the next 4 months in the hospital, he would not have been there this past December to walk Emily down the aisle at her wedding.  We will be forever grateful to you.   

Now about Mary Hesdorfer, who at the time was Dr. Taub’s assistant.  If it were not for her I don’t think I would be standing here today.   Craig and I were in the hall outside of her office when I told her, how I felt like I was plunked on another planet.  How I felt nobody should have to go through this alone.  Mary agreed and without hesitation asked if we would like to talk to other patients.  Of course our answer was yes. Mary, who would have thought that one day our “little acorn” would have grown into a mighty Oak tree!!  Little did we know that Craig and I would not only begin talking to Drs. Taub and Chabot’s patients, but that one day Mary would start working for the Meso Foundation and we would be talking to several other doctors patients as well. Just a voice at the end of a phone line...giving hope when they felt there was none.  Craig often talked to patients about the protocols and what to expect from surgery and chemo treatments, even if he was in treatment or was healing from surgery himself.  I learned from the best teacher and I will continue to do what I have done for the past 11 years.  I will continue to be that voice on the end of the phone line as long as I am needed.

Now I would like to address another issue that is very important as well.  As you can imagine, having just lost Craig this past April I am as angry at the disease as anyone in this room is.  But what I would like to ask YOU to do is what I have done and that is to turn your anger into action for the Meso community.  It would be easy for me to walk away from this disease, the Meso community and say:  well I tried.  Because, I have nothing at stake anymore.  But that is not the case.  I have come to love and care for so many of you and I also promised Craig that I would continue to fight for what is right…And that is finding a cure and stopping the importing of asbestos into the US.  Raising $100,000 for research over a two year period was not done by me.  It was through the generosity of family and friends and companies and fundraisers.

Getting started is the hardest part.  Emily and I decided two years ago that Craig did not need more shirts or golf equipment for his birthday.  What he needed was a cure for Mesothelioma.  So we brainstormed and came up with an idea. Emily wrote a letter, including Craig’s story and asking for a donation in Craig’s honor to be sent to the Meso Foundation to The Craig Kozicki Grant.  We said a heart would be placed in our kitchen for each donation sent.  We sent that ONE letter to our Christmas card list, Craig’s work friends, Meso friends, everyone we could think of.  That ONE letter raised almost $14,000!!  We were 14% to our goal with one letter.

So many people over the years have asked me about fundraising.  How do you do it?  How do you get started?  I say all you have to do is ask!  So the last thing I am going to do tonight is hopefully inspire you, by showing you how easy it can be to start a fundraiser.  This has never been done at a symposium before, so this is not an easy thing for me to do…but I am going to ask.  Doctors, lawyers, pharmaceutical representatives, researchers, patients, caregivers, everyone in the audience.  A bowl has been placed on the table outside in the hall.  I am asking everyone to donate.  Whether it is $5 or $50 or more, please give to the Craig Kozicki Grant, checks and credit cards are accepted!!  However, if you would prefer to start your own Grant I would be even happier!  Set a goal and start your own fundraising effort.  The total amount collected will be announced tomorrow at breakfast.

Once again thank you again for this amazing honor. Craig and I were both humbled when we heard we were receiving this award.

Father's Day...This weekend is going to be a rough one.  I feel so helpless when it comes to Emily.  I miss Craig so much too.  I would always plan something for this day...a BBQ or dinner out, something.  Shop for just the right gift and card.  Now going and buying cards for my dad and his dad was VERY difficult!  I did have to wipe away a few tears in the aisle of Hallmark.  Especially when I passed by the "To My Husband" section.  

It also difficult because it is the first time I haven't had MY dad here for a very long time.  Plus I sent him a card and it had all the words and sentiment that I wanted him to know...but I just don't think he will understand.  So it is kind of a double loss this year.  I can't even call my dad because I don't think he would REALLY know me if I talked to him on the phone.  So I card and some cookies will have to do.... I just hope deep down he knows I love him!

I leave for the symposium on Wednesday.  My speech is written and I have read it to several people and they have given me the thumbs up.  So I am done trying to change and perfect it anymore, I am just going with it.  It is really just from the heart and I hope it inspires some people too!  I also have gathered a lot of ammunition for the Senators and Congressman.  I have tried to be nice the last few years.  This year, I am going with more fire in my belly.  I won't yell and scream, but I WILL show pictures and I will have Craig's ashes around my neck, HOPEFULLY that will make them listen a bit more intently. After the symposium I will ask Carol to post my speech, as I have had several people want to hear/read it.  But, I don't want EVERYONE to know what I am going to say or they will be bored at the acceptance speech

Cruise-Loring and Mary Jane Williams along with several of their friends are going to the Mediterranean in October and invited me to join them.  Well I was hesitant at first, but then my good friend Lisa Blanzy said she would go with me   So we are going from the 12-27. We will be going to Spain (2 days), Venice (2 days), France, Italy (Florence & Cannes), Croatia and Greece. I may have forgotten a port!!  But I am excited!!  It will be over mine and Craig's 29th anniversary on Oct. 25. so that will be good!

So I have been keeping busy making reservations and looking at ports and such.  Also, not being a very good writer, my speech has taken me quite a while to write and rewrite. 

I wish all of you a Happy Father's Day.  Keep Emily close to your heart.

Believing!!!!!   Shelly

BOOOO!!!  The Red Wings lost!  I am not a happy camper.  I was really pulling for them but it was not in the cards.  For all of you who are saying they are done....I believe I have heard that the last 3-4 years!  We still have plenty of young talent coming up, don't count us out!

I finally have a rough draft of my speech written.  It is about 3 pages long, font 16.  So I don't think it will take long maybe 10 minutes at the most.  I am so excited.  Dr. Chabot was NOT planning on coming in for the Gala dinner on Friday night.  I asked him if he would please come and since I was receiving the award for Craig and I and I would love for him to sit at my table.  He finally answered me today and said he could make it!!  Earlier he was not sure he could clear his calender...YEAH!!  It will be so nice to Drs. Taub and Chabot and or course dear, sweet Mary.

Phyllis, Lee and Emily are coming in late Thurs. night.  Friday is the Tribute Day, followed by the Gala dinner.  Friday night Kyle comes in and Sat. & Sun. we are planning a mini vacation to see some of DC.  As many time as I have been there I have never really seen the sights. So we are going to see some of the historical sights...it should be fun.

I went to Solutia on Friday for a plant wide award ceremony for safety.  It was nice that they invited me.  I enjoyed seeing many of Craig's work friends (my friends too!). 

I am getting back into walking.  I have started walking with Renee.  She is determined to get my butt moving and she is flexible, which helps.  I am also getting caught up on all of the paperwork!!  It seemed endless for awhile.  But things seem to be slowing down a bit. 

Nothing else really exciting.  Just keeping in touch.  Father's Day is this Sunday....Keep Emily in your thoughts, I know this is going to be a very rough day for her!

BELIEVING....Shelly

I never thought the Wings would lose untiil I watched them play this series!  They just did not want the cup as bad as Pittsburg did, I guess.  I guess I shouldn't have gotten so excited!

That is what I want tomorrow's headline to read.  We are all excited here in Hockeytown USA, to be sure.  Due to time difference our puck drops at * pm - (same time I realize, but relatively speaking - I wish it were 7 pm here.)  I know Craig is watching and waiting just like we are!  GO RED WINGS!

Don, Eva, Devon and Vanessa will be at our house watching the game.  We are looking forward to an excitng evening!


GOOOOOOOOO WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET'S GO WINGS!!!!!!  I will be watching tonight, that is for sure.  I haven't missed a game...hardly a minute. 

I am hoping that they just "through" that game in Philly so they could win it at home in Hockey Town.  I would like to BELIEVE they are that confident   I hope everyone is pulling for the Wings this year...I know if Craig were her,  he would have wanted it to go to game 7 and then win it at home.  I am hoping he has some pull "up there" and help KEEP the Stanley Cup where it belongs in DETROIT!!!

The puck drops at 7pm....you know where I will be

BELIEVING......Shelly

I realize the Red Wings aren't playing the Blues in the Stanley Cup Playoffs which would certainly bring the blog to full life, but it is very exciting just the same.  I was watching game 6 last night and the Pittsburgh crowd was roaring and I just couldn't help but remember my little Megan (who was four at the time and is now seven) and her Dee-Troit Sauce!! story.  Some of you will remember it (here's the link to the original http://craigkozicki.com/2007/02/09/deetroit--sauce.aspx) but for those who don't here's the story from a three years later perspective.

We had a double date set up with Craig & Shelly to attend the game in their seats (no buffalo chips - the best seats in the stadium) and they had to bail out that morning, if I remember correctly due to Shelly's father getting injured- told us to just take our kids and enjoy.  So here I am a little embarrased that I'm sitting in such expensive seats with two small kids who would appreciate the game the same in the 300th row.  Megan, again four at the time, is spending more time with her coloring book than watching the game, again making me feel pretty self-conscious about the seats we're in.  But when one of the Detroit players has an unfortunate skate vs. leg  collision with Manny Legace, Legace is limped off of the ice for the remainder of the game.

The crowd went wild - 15,000 plus people screaming "DEE-TROIT SUCKS!!".   As is always the case in these situations, the crowd starts to die down.  So with the final repetitions, the count goes from 15,000 to 5,000 to 500 to 50 to 3.  So Megan, who had put down her coloring book to make sure she was part of the commotion, was standing on top of her seat with her arm pumping and screaming with the 15,000.  Then she was screaming with the 5,000 - then the 500 then the 50 - then the 3.  And as it was down to 3 in the entire stadium, her voice rang loud and clear to all those in the surrounding area "DEE-TROIT SAUCE!!"  She had no clue what had happened in the game or what people were chanting but wasn't going to be left out.

The surrounding seats got a big kick out of that and for the rest of the game the three or four more times the same chant rang out for various reasons they all laughed and looked back at our seats and yelled Mango's version instead of the other.

And what really gave it a life forever is the ongoing exchanges Peat and I had on this - just great.  Including the official "Dee-Troit Sauce" CD of kids music that Peat gave Megan in honor of the event.

So Shelly, it would have been much more fun to attend the game with Craig and yourself but since that wasn't possible what a classic memory that lives on as I watch these playoffs.

So - all you Detroit fans - where is the trash talk about the playoffs?  Sound off.  At our house we'll be toasting Detroit and cheering for them in Craig's honor in game 7 Friday night.

It has been just over 2 months since I lost my sole mate.  However, I think I am doing amazingly well.  I AM finding Shelly and I like her!  She is stronger than I thought she was!  I have started consulting about Mesothelioma!!  The important part of the job is teaching people about the effects that mesothelioma has on real peoples lives.  I will be working with lawyers and marketing as well as patients to make sure that they are well informed about how or what is said/read, is received by the patient or the caregiver.  I will also be writing a piece on grieving that will go into print shortly and will be given to those that have recently lost a loved one.  It will contain information that I found useful and things that I needed and never thought I would, along with me as contact.  So it has been a busy last couple of weeks for me as I enter a new phase in my life. 

I am also getting ready for DC.  I have to begin to write an acceptance speech...UGH!  I wish I had more confidence in this area.  I know it will be highly emotional for me.  Just going to the symposium without Craig will be tough enough and seeing his name on the tribute wall...rougher yet.  I am looking forward to seeing so many people in the meso community though. I know I will draw strength from them.  I have an idea of what I want to say, I just need to get it into bullet point form and then fill in the blanks as I go.  I just basically speak from my heart and wing it....  It worked last time, so I hope it will work this time as well.

Phyllis posted a picture of Hazel.  She is adorable!!  I have been the "nanny gram" all week.  She is very smart and slept through the night last night!  She only has one accident per day...not bad for a puppy.  She hasn't chewed anything but her toys, she can sit, lay and will come (from a short distance).  She is FULL of energy and has me worn out by the time Emily and Kyle get home from work.  She seems to know her name now...although sometimes I think, she thinks, it is "good girl"  

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s. Bob Ryan had total knee replacement today...keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  Thanks

Here is a photo of Emily and Kyle's new addition.  She is very cuddily and does not whine - that is all I know at this time, but wanted the world to see how cute she is!




AND, LET'S NOT FORGET  --   GO RED WINGS !!!!

These past two months (almost) have been filled with sooo many emotions I really could not put them into one blog as I know I would miss many.  Today is going to be about finding Shelly.  These past several weeks have been odd for me.  I have never been just "Shelly".  I was always mom & dad's Shelly or Craig's Shelly, but never JUST SHELLY!!  It is strange.  I am trying very hard to be happy in my own skin and finding MY place in the world.

This path has already found twists and turns that I hadn't expected, emotions I don't like to feel (but are very real), questions that I don't have answers for (yet), and feelings that I am not sure how I am suppose to deal with all of the time.  But I am learning more and more about myself everyday.  I think I am stronger than I gave myself credit, although I am not as strong as MANY of you think I am   I find myself wanting more for myself NOW!  I am not a patient person....I guess I always knew that.  I want to keep moving forward, even if it hurts.  It does hurt to move forward, because by moving forward you give up little pieces of the past.  Physical pieces that is.  A simple example is taking Craig's name off countless accounts, forms and bills...each time I do this, it is like I am erasing him somehow.....I cannot begin to tell you how hard that is to do....

But, by doing all of these things I am having to learn to be me, just me.  That is a scary thing sometimes.  I can say I have made strides in some areas and baby steps in others, but I feel that I am healing and moving forward.  I know that would make Craig happy and that will make me happy again one day too!!

Believing...Shelly

p.s.  Emily and Kyle pick up their "baby" (puppy) on Saturday.  She is VERY cute.  Her name is Hazel and she is already about 10 pounds.  Pictures will be posted by somebody when they get her.

YIKES!!  I miss you too Phyllis.  I know I have been busy and phone tag has been a thing with a few people.  I am trying to catch up but with the time change I hesitate to call after 9:00.  I know all to well about tough decisions, you are doing what is best, don't second guess yourself for a second!!  I love you!

I have begun one on one counseling...much better!!  She seemed to validate where I was in my process of grieving and that was refreshing.  I thought I was doing really well, I just needed to hear it from a professional that I was.  I know that may sound strange, but she agreed that I have been grieving along time and that moving on was ok.  Even though I miss Craig terribly, it is ok to begin to move forward with MY life even if has only been a short time since his death.  I really needed to hear that.

I went to a wedding at the Coronado on Saturday night.  That was tough.  It was a beautiful wedding and brought back many emotions.  I thought I would just eat and leave, but I stayed till the end.  I did not dance or anything and I had to go out and compose myself a few times, but I stayed.  I think that was much bigger than a "baby step" for me.  It was really my first time out socially as a "single" person.  I did feel out of place and very alone.  Especially when slow dances were playing.  I cannot tell you how much I missed Craig that night.  (tears are flowing pretty freely now!) Also there was an empty chair next to me at dinner.....UGH!

I have started working on my Hope Center again.  That has been a great help too.  It gives me purpose and drive to know I helping again.  The symposium is just around the corner as well.  I have been thinking about what to say at the acceptance speech.  I wish Emily could just do it for me!!  She is gifted when it comes to writing and speaking.  Maybe I will have her record it and then I will just move my mouth...   Phyllis, Lee, Emily and hopefully Kyle are coming to DC to be to see me accept this amazing honor for Craig and I.  If anyone else wants to come let me know  

BELIEVING...Shelly

p.s.  Thank you notes....still pending....I am still struggling. 

I sure miss talking to you.  I keep wondering how you are doing, but we not seem to connect.  I thought maybe the blog was the way to go.  So, how are you?  Are you eating?  Read any good books lately?  How's Luke? When are you planning to go to DC?  I think we will go out on Thurs night and come home Sunday.  That way we can see Randy and Cindy Sat. nite...if they are around.

They are moving Dad to the Alzheimer's unit on Wednesday.  It is so hard to make that decision.  Tho I know he needs to be there, it breaks my heart.  I feel like the bad daughter who put her dad away.  I am sure you understand.  And, then, wouldn't you know it, he's had a 'good spell' since Sunday.  He asked to be shaved on Sunday, he is up walking around, knew he needed to use the toilet and is in a great mood.  I feel so guilty for moving him.  I know it is the right thing and I know he needs to be there - but why does he have to be doing so dang good right now!  It is just so hard.  Lee and I went to the Harbor to see his room and it just made me so sad.  They have all these 'locked' areas and some of the people are a little 'insane' - but well taken care of - just so sad.  They work more on group activities and the unit is only 18 residents - there is better care and attention for him. Each nurse has only 4 residents - and they were all nice and seemed to like their jobs.  I just know in my heart it is where he needs to be.....

Mom is doing well.  Linda finished the bed skirt and it looks beautiful - can't wait to see the valance.  She does such beautiful work.  She moved the pillows from the love seat to the wall along the bed, and with her pillow sham it looks like a daybed - very pretty.  Now, we can decorate the wall above it.  Maybe just three little metal plaques or something.  I will be on the lookout for that next.  Maybe I will take her to Home Goods tomorrow night - to get her out of there.  I know that will be a bad day for her.

Scott and Martha are going to be here this weekend.  Linda is having a b-day party for her on Saturday and I am thinking of what kind of 'princess' cake to make for her.  I cannot decide if I want to do a Barbie doll, princess crown or castle.  I think I might call Isabella and see what SHE wants.  I have some pretty good ideas in my head. 

I love you!
Phyllis

Mandy took the boys for a bike ride yesterday and Everett fell asleep on big brother, Owen.  Everett looks comfortable, but Owen looks scrunched a bit.

Hi, Sissie -

I got the nicest email from Aunt Maryan (Wokas) and I wanted to share it with you.  I do not think they ever met, but she has been a blog reader and financial supporter since the birthday 'grant' drive.  She is a wonderful Aunt and I love her dearly (and she is not even my aunt, she's Lee's!).

"My heart goes out to Shelly and all of you and tho I never met Craig he is the bravest person I have ever heard of and we  have tremendous admiration for him and the family handling it all so well.  It must have been such an effort for him to walk his daughter down the aisle but he did it.  He is a real hero."

OK, on a lighter note -

Hi, Sissie-

LET'S GO RED WINGS!!!  WHOOO HOOOOO!!!  Awesome game last night.  Don and Eva were there and said the crowd ERUPTED when Cleary scored!  OSGOOD, OSGOOD, OSGOOD!!!! I was home screaming and jumping around, myself......now, on to the next series on Sunday! 

You know, I still read this blog just about every day.  It is so comforting to see how you are doing.  I know it has been a source of comfort to you to express your feelings here.  You wear your heart on your sleeve and it makes you appear so  vulnerable and so real.  You are and always have been sincere - no wonder you have so many friends who care and love you so much.  I just cannot imagine how difficult this must be and yet you exhibit so much strength.  I know you do not think you are strong - but you are stronger than you realize.  After all you have been through and continue to go through,  you are still an inspiration to many.  I am so proud to call you my sister!  I love you so muuuuccccchhhhh! (Now I'm crying!)

I just wanted to send a little love and support your way so you know we (the bloggers) are here and we do read and we do care - and as Craig would say, "Never give up!" well, that, and 'it is what it is'

Love you much,
Phyllis

There is Cleary . . .



Then there is Devon . . .

Shelly,

Well, here I am still blogging.  I don't know if anyone is still reading but I am going to continue blogging as this is  the only way I know to keep my self grounded.  I find this blog a place that feels safe...somehow??  I know that may seem strange but I find peace in knowing that I have touched peoples lives and people have touched mine right back through this blog.  I can sit here at any time, day or night and tap on these keys, express my feelings and feel better for doing it.  I know words are misspelled, my grammar is not correct, but I know you don't judge me, you just read because you care.  If you are concerned you call, if you want to, you blog back or you may be one of the many who just read.....and that is okay too!

What started out as a way to keep in touch with family and friends while Craig was so sick in NY years ago has transformed into an amazing, life changing, ongoing, life story.  Ones filled with laughs, hopes, fears, battles, tears, joy, pain, love, believing, achieving, weddings, births and yes, death.  But we shared all of these things together, as an intertwined "blog family.'  It has surprised me how many people have come to know and care about each other through this blog....really care!! 

I have met new meso patient through this blog.  So I know this blog has helped to save lives.  How wonderful is that!!!!

As days turn into weeks since Craig's death, I found an inner peace.  I miss him everyday and find or hear things that remind me of him all the time, but I am at peace.  His is no longer in pain and I have been grieving for a long time.  It is just now the final chapter of OUR lives has come to an end.  I will always have a part of Craig with me when I look into the eyes of Emily.  She is the greatest gift he ever gave me.

My life will continue down a path I do not know. I do want to be a great mom to Emily & (in-law) Kyle (and hopefully grandma someday too!) I do know that one day I will be happy again.  One day my heart will stop aching but it will forever be touched by Craig. I do want to make a difference in this world so Craig did not die in vain.  I will continue my effort to find a  cure and be an advocate for those who are suffering. 

Well, I guess that is about all I DO KNOW today.  If I can do that in my lifetime then.....life is good

BELIEVING

Shelly

I will be leaving to see Brent graduate and see my mom and dad.  I will also be staying with my nephew Frank and his wife Mandie and their 2 boys Owen and Everett.  Owen has made PLENTY of plans for me as I am told.   It will be nice because we will all spend Mother's Day together, including the entire Steele family.  So that will be very nice.  Phyllis and Lee are bring my mom out to Frank's house for a BBQ...I hope the weather is beautiful!!

I will be starting one on one counseling since the group counseling just doesn't seem the right thing for me.  I really think that I am doing great, considering, but I just want to make sure that I am truly healthy.  I have only had 1 or 2 bad days and I have forced myself to be productive.  Get up and pay bills, clean files, go to lunch or something to get out of my funk, so all in all I think that is good.  Like I have said before, I have been grieving for a long time.  Now it is just really missing Craig and the time we spent together.  The quietness of the house, being alone, etc.  I know I will be happy again one day, that is what we BOTH wanted....it will just take some time. 

Our friend Deb R. has lung cancer stage 4.  Please keep her and her family in your prayers.  This is quite a shock as she feels great and really had no symptoms.

I am planning on begining to work next week on my Hope Center Packet.  I will meet with SimmonsCooper and we are going to have a planning session.  They want to know my vision of the packet and are eager to work with me on it.  So that is exciting.  They are willing to help write, implement and design my vision.  I just need to collect the information, put it into order, write a rough outline and submit it.  They will then clean it up and submit it back to me for approval.  Pretty cool!!  I am so excited to get back to activism.

Well I guess that is really about it for now.  I will blog when I return.  HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO ARE MOTHER'S AND GRANDMOTHER'S!!!!

BELIEIVING....Shelly

It has been one month since Craig's death.  Although, for me it feels like I have been losing him since October of 2008.  I think that is when my REAL grieving began.  Not including the multipul times in between when I thought I may loose him and the SHOCK phase of of 1998.  I know I wore my emotions on my sleeve for many months leading to his passing.  Crying came easy and fear, anger and the thought of being alone was never far behind.

But as I said before I have channeled my anger into a positive thing...the MESO Foundation.  I will soon be working again to help find a cure.  I will try to stop the import of metric tons still leagally being imported into the USA and hopefully in my lifetime I will see a change for the better.  In June at the Symposium I will challenge all patients and caregivers to do the same.  To turn their anger into action.

I really think I am going to be ok.  I miss Craig of course!!  But I know from our many talks he would be proud of me for not crying and curling up in a ball and stop living.  He wanted me to move on and be happy and I am doing that for him as well as for me. (as tears are running down my face)   I am going to go to Michigan see Brent (Kyle's) brother graduate from U of M with his Law Degree.  He is in the  top of he class!  I'm so proud of him.  I will see my mom and dad and maybe my sisters, I will only be in 2 nights.  (baby steps)

I have to confess, I am having trouble with thank you notes!!!  I will try to get them out, they are bought but none are written.  Please be patient and all of you know how thankful I am for all you have done and continue to do for me and my family.  I once heard a thank you note can never be sent out too late......so mine my be a test of time. 

Believing.....Shelly

I was thinking maybe I should add a new category...Shelly's Update    I am doing as well as can be expected.  I really think, now as I have gone to ONE group counseling, I am further along than most.  So many have been living with their pain for over a year or more before seeking help...so sad.  I think people were amazed when we went around the table and gave our name and how long it has been since our spouse passed away and I said 3 weeks!

I really think I have been grieving the losing of Craig for a along time.  So the SHOCK part of grief happened to me in 1998.  I think on their 4 step wheel of grief I am on step 3 Disorganization!! Scattered thoughts, forgetfulness (at least now I can blame it on something), picking things up and putting them back down, not really sure what to do with them, etc.

But, I still miss Craig beyond measure.  His touch, his smell, his caring voice and reassurance.  EVERYTHING!!  Craig did give me so much.  I think, no I know, he has even helped me to grieve.  We had MANY talks about his passing, about his thoughts and my thoughts and my fears.  We cried together (mostly me) but he wanted me to move on with my life and be happy.  So I find comfort in that.  When I went to the support group, people were so sad and some seemed so dependent on it (going over and over)!!!  I was rubbing peoples back and handing them tissues.  So I will go again, but I am not sure how much I will get out of it. 

On another note:  I am going to be grandma....to a DOG!!!  Due May 31. Kyle & Emily are VERY excited.  I am going to go shopping for puppy items now.  So I will write later.

Believing...Shelly

p.s.  Please pray for our friend Deb Rolerkite & her family who just found out she has aggressive lung cancer. She is a non-smoker and is in shock.

Thank you, Carol, for posting that.  Thank you, Emily, for sharing that.  That letter from Craig sounds sooo like him.  You are your father's daughter!  Just know that your dad is STILL smiling back at you from "the stands"...

 

My dad had a long list of redeeming qualities and at most, a couple flaws – his stubbornness happened to fall into both categories.  On one hand, his stubbornness (which could better be described as determination or courage) gave him an incredible will to live, and therefore gave all of us many laughs, smiles and fond memories.  It was also because of this stubbornness or determination, if you prefer, that I am not reading you a letter prepared by my dad specifically for this very moment.

 

Three days before my dad passed away, I shared with him a goodbye letter I had written to express my love and admiration for him as a father and a man.  After a few emotional exchanges between us when I had finished my note, he looked up at me with those sincere blue eyes and said “Oh, I still need to get to my letters sometime.” With tears in my eyes, I hesitantly nodded my head, knowing of course due his deteriorating situation that sometime would be never. He wanted to write a few letters to leave behind, one of which was what he wanted read on this day in front of all of you. So I guess this example would fall under the category of his stubbornness being a flaw.  Because my dad had such an amazing outlook and unwavering hope, he refused to give up on life, so he instead had to give up the letter he wanted shared today.  The truth of the situation is that my dad fought hard until the very end, his stubbornness not only giving us years – but extra moments up until his last breath.  Although I do not have a letter to read from him, I do have my best attempt at what I think he would have written – and of course many irreplaceable memories.  I told him one night after he passed, that I would do my very best to express what I think he would have wanted to say – so one of his final wishes would not go unfulfilled.

 

My dad’s letter would be a perfect blend of wit, humor, gratitude and hope – combined for the intention of giving us peace, a little advice and permission to move forward with our memories of him close to our hearts.  So in the following passage, I will attempt to write what my dad would have wrote.  It is hard to capture the words of your father…the person you stared up at with adoring eyes while dancing on his feet, the person you smiled at in the stands in a basketball game eager for approval, the person who inspired you and so many others to appreciate life, the person who made you want to be successful, want to be courageous and want to be just like him.  My dad made me complete and gave me all the love, affection and warm memories a child could ever ask for.  So, to express my gratitude and to fulfill a final wish of a man who has given me so much – I am giving him his final words, his closure he could not say himself. 

 

This is the final letter from Craig Kozicki to all of you.

 

“I want to thank all of you for coming today to celebrate my life.  I told Shelly that I wanted a party, although I’m pretty sure this is not taking place at the VFW hall with cases of beer as I had suggested. Nonetheless, I hope this gathering has a joyful tone providing opportunity for reflection. I understand of course that grieving is a natural part of the process, but I truly hope there will be many more smiles than tears today.

 

And here’s why…

 

I have lived a full life – maybe not in the essence of time – but definitely in the richness of my experiences and relationships. It is easy to say that dying under these circumstances is unfair, and I would be lying if I said at times I don’t feel saddened by what I am going to miss in the future – things like traveling with Shelly or watching Emily and Kyle have a family of their own.  I can promise you though, that I don’t feel cheated as life has given me many gifts that I am eternally grateful for.  Some of these gifts exist as fond memories, while others are simply the people who have touched my life. 

 

When I think about the events that have shaped the person I am or the memories that have brought me happiness – I am overwhelmed with the selection.  I was born into a loving home and as I grew up, I was not only surrounded by an affectionate family, but also happily occupied with friendships comprised of inside jokes, late nights, softball games, nicknames and a few bad decisions here and there.  Then, I met Shelly and learned that my bad decisions weren’t quite as funny to her as they were to my buddies.  In all seriousness, I fell in love with her and proposed six weeks after our first date.  The kindness, devotion and passion she possessed when I met her, has been unwavering in our 28 years of marriage.  In fact, her loyalty has only been strengthened as she has nurtured me through this illness and inspired other caretakers and patients alike.  In 1985 Shelly gave me the gift of a daughter, who I have adored since I first laid eyes on her.  She has been a constant ray of sunshine in my life and has always been optimistic, providing me stability at any moment of weakness.  Through all her endeavors, she has made me very proud.  In December I also gained a son.  I love Kyle like he is my own and trust he will take care of my girls for me when I no longer can.

 

I have lived long enough to meet many people who changed my life forever for the better.  People who made life worth living and worth fighting for – people like all of you. For that I consider myself lucky.

 

I am so grateful for the support and strength you all have given to me and my family. I am grateful for talented doctors, compassionate friends, a warm family and helpful neighbors.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making a difficult situation as easy as it could possibly be.  I could never fully explain what your cards, blog entries and phone calls have meant over the years, but I ask for your continued support of my family and of each other when I am gone.   I have always been humbled by the idea of people calling me a hero, when in fact it has been the effort of all of us together.

 

I want to come to a close with a quote that I am sure you all will feel is appropriate, as it comes from one of my favorite movies - Rocky. I feel it not only reflects my personal battle, but also can inspire you to use today as closure to begin the healing process.  Rocky said, “It ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Find comfort in those words and in knowing that I will always be with you in your memories – and I will live in your hearts and through the stories you tell.

 

If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be that you cannot control the hand you are dealt, but you can control what you make of it.  As I like to say, “it is what it is,” so appreciate and live for every moment and take advantage of every opportunity.  I wish each of you the same happiness that has filled my life so completely.  I’d like to hope, as you move on, that you think about me every once in awhile, because I will never forget what we have shared or how each one of you has uniquely touched my life. 

 

I love you all in this life and the next,

Craig”

Well it is about 2am and I could have sworn I just heard Craig call "Shell"!  So I bolted straight up and said "What, are you okay?"  Old habits are hard to break....  So now is as good as time as any to put some of my thoughts out to all of you.

I really didn't know what to expect on Saturday.  How the place was going to look?  Emily and I went into much detail about how we had hoped it would look, but believe it or not in the 105 year history of the Art Museum, that was the first memorial/celebration of life ceremony!  I was not sure how I would be emotionally or how I would respond when I saw all of you.  I can confess now that I had people watching out for me waiting for a signal to get me the hell our of there!!  I was really afraid of falling apart or just wanting to be left along.  Fortunately neither was true.  I found comfort in your presence and appreciated all of your effort to share Craig's life with us.

I hope everyone got a glimpse into parts of Craig's life they were unaware off.  His life was so much more than cancer.  Cancer in some small way just let others realize what a great and wonderful man he was.  I think all of the speakers did such a great job to help you see how far reaching his kindness, laughter and love stretched. 

Moving on is difficult.  I still have family with me which is a HUGE blessing.  I start grief counseling on Thursday for young widows!!  YIKES!  It has been 3 weeks and in someways it seems like 3 days and in others 3 years....I miss him so much!  That is one thing I cannot find word to describe.  

Believing, hoping and praying my heart will one day begin to heal....Shelly

p.s.  Several people have asked me for a copy of Emily's eulogy.  If more people want it I may just put it on the blog.  I still look at the blog daily.  Don't forget me!!
 

I hated to miss Craig's celebration, but I was running across Illinois with 7 others at the River to River 80 mile relay on Saturday.  I do think Craig was cheering me on at the last leg that I finished at 6:40 pm (he can be in more than one place at a time now).

I hope to see photos and hear some stories of the evening,  I'm sure it was a good time, just like Craig ordered.

Shelly, Emily and all your family and friends, take heart that Craig can be with you at the mere thought of him.  He's with you every step if you want.  (By the way, I'm not making this up - I read it in the somewhere in the book series "Conversations with God".  I think it was in book 3.)  Anyway, Craig wants you to be happy again, so do NOT feel guilty about allowing yourself to seek some fun and enjoyment even in your sadness.  And know our prayers will continue for you.

Okay, enough seriousness for me, bring on the fun stories!

Russ

Hi Shelley and Emily,
We were so sorry to hear the news about Craig. What a great person and we are so thankful that you all were part of our lives. We cherish the memories of when you lived here and miss you!
Please know that we are there in spirit with you.
 If we were there, I'd bring my "Skip It" ! Emily and I owned the record on that thing. And are your memorial attendees going to do your old broom trick? I'm sure Craig's spirit would get a kick out of that!  How many dizzy people fell into your bushes doing that???
You are in our thoughts and prayers - please call us when you come to visit Kathy and Bob.
Love you,
Ray and Peggy Dixon

That is how I feel....stuck!  Not really able to move forward yet.  Perhaps after Saturday I will, but it still seems surreal.  I am going through all the motions I am suppose to, filling out paper work, contacting proper companies and changing documents, but it just doesn't seem real.  I woke up the other night and it took me about 30 seconds to fully wake up and I REALLY thought I was waking up from a nightmare...unfortunately when I fully woke up it was my horrible reality...life without Craig. 

Support!  I have so much.  Cards by the dozens....even from people I haven't heard from in 15 years or more!  Flowers...beautiful!  Food...trust me Emily and Kyle and my brother are VERY thankful  (I am too of course)  Pam Ryan has called every day just to make sure I am okay.  She has not left my side since Craig's death and has promised me she will be here for the long haul!!  She is just one of many who continue to help me cope.  At times I don't know if I will get through the next hour and then someone calls or just happens to stop over....I just know this healing process is going to take a while and I hope I can count on all of you to be there.  At times I feel like I am strong and others I feel so fragile.  I guess that is normal??  Oh well, enough of that...

I am looking forward to seeing you on Saturday.  We are going to have some journals to write your favorite Craig memories in, so start thinking.  We are also having name tags because there are so many people from the blog, work, friends, family, etc.  We think it will be great for people to be able to put names with faces and meet each other.  Craig would have liked that!   

Believing...Shelly

Friends, the path below is to the site for Baue Funeral home with Craig's obituary. There is a link to sign guest book and leave a message. Shelley, Emily and Kyle will be printing the guest book messages to save in a memorial book. Please go to the link and leave a message for them. 


Go to Baue.com and select obituaries you will then be taken to Craig's obituary - select sign guest book

Thank you

Dear Shelly

We wish we could be there with you to celebrate Craig's life but know that we will be thinking of you.  You have so many great people that love you and still love Craig.  He was a great person.  I will pass on a memory  poem that we had printed for our many friends at Lauries funeral.  To me, this is how Craig was.

      WHEN I MUST LEAVE YOU
  
   When I must leave you for a little while
   Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
   And hug your sorrow to you through the years.

   But start out bravely with a gallant smile,
   And for my sake and in my name
   Live on and do all things the same,

   Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
   But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
   Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
   And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near,

   And never, never be afraid to die,
   For I am waiting for you in the sky!!

  Our love to you      June

That's right a dress code.  I am asking that people come to the celebration in COLOR!  Men this is the one time you do not have to wear a suits or ties to a funeral!! Craig HATED suits.  So come business casual...he would have loved that!  Ladies spring has sprung, dress with joy in your heart.  So bottom line stay away from BLACK and lets make this as positive as we can.

THANKS!  Shelly

Well it has been 1 week ago today that Craig passed away.  In some ways it seems like months and in others it seems like minutes.  I can't begin to express my feelings.  He was cremated today....so the cancer is finally out of my life!!  He is at peace, so that is comforting.  But I miss him every minute.  I try to go through the motions of each day.  I get dressed, put one foot in front of the other, get out of the house, etc., but it is not with joy in my heart.

I do not know what I will do when Kyle & Emily go back to their condo.  Luckily my brother is coming in and staying with me for 10 days after they go back then after Craig celebration my sister will be here for a few more.  Right now is the first time I have been sitting alone in my house without anyone else here.  It is sooo quiet.  I hear the ticking of the clock and the wind blowing outside.

I look forward to seeing everyone on the 18th.  I know in some respects it will be hard, but in others it will be uplifting.  Craig was (is)loved by so many.  I know I will have tears of sadness, but I hope we share some laughter too.  Craig would want that.  Much love to all my bloggers

Believing...Shelly

I worked with Craig for a number of years at the long gone Monsanto plant in Everett, Massachusetts. Craig and I ran a production unit there for a while.

I recall a time when the unit I supervised had a major process upset on a holiday weekend. Most everybody in the plant was gone and I was sitting in my office trying to get help from outside of the plant. Craig called (he was supervising another unit) and offered to help me over the weekend. It was a genuine offer of help, of course.

Many of the years at Everett were difficult ones due to the plants tenuous status. Craig never lost his sense of humor and he kept those around him loose with that sense of humor. Whenever I picture Craig, I see him smiling.

If Craig were still around I'd ask him if he recalled "The Miami Trip." I think he'd remember some of the week he, I, and a few others from Everett spent there. We should have been locked up for those expense reports we submitted when we returned.

While I only knew Craig for a few years my memories of him are vivid. I consider him my friend and I think he felt the same way about me. People come and go in our lives. Some are quickly forgotten. Craig will not be one of those.

I'm truly sorry at the loss we've experienced. My love to his family and friends.

Gene McSweeney

Monsanto/Solutia retiree

Shelley, I'm so sorry to hear about Craig. 

In regard to your observation - yes, one day it will get easier but that's not to be for a while.  Though Craig's moved on, your journey continues.  One day your feet will be back in the sand, but for now just hang tight, rely on love and grace to carry you forward, and take things one day at a time.  I know from losing my best friend and wife of twenty years to cancer that's one thing we had perfected by the end - living one day at a time…

-------------
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Shelly asked me to let everyone know the time has been changed for the Celebration of Craig's Life.  The new time is 6 to 10 pm.   The Art Museum does not close until 5 pm.  They will need time to set things up.  Hope to see you all there. 

Phyllis

Craig's Celebration of Life will be on Saturday April 18th from 5pm until approximately 9pm at The Art Museum in Forest Park.  A celebratory service will be held around  6-7.  It will include eulogy's from different people in Craig's life, along with several picture displays and a visual display also. Emily's best friend Caitlin (maid of honor) has been working tirelessly to put this together for us.  Thank you Cait (you know how much Craig & I love you)!!   We hope you will be able to attend and celebrate with us.

We will then have another thing that Craig wanted...a party.  He never wanted people to mourn him, but celebrate his life.  So, Emily, Kyle and I are will have light appetizers and drinks to carry out Craig's wishes.  These appetizers and drinks will be available after the celebratory service from approximately 7-9.

I wish I could say the days are getting easier...but I still feel like I am in a fog.  Kyle and Emily have not left my side.  I think a role reversal has happened.  They are taking care of me, when I should be taking care of them....  I love them both so much and they have been amazingly supportive.

My friends continue to know what to do for me before I ask.  They show up before I call, bring food before it is needed and stop by and hug me just at the right time.  My fears of being alone later on are diminishing as people continue to tell me over and over they will not dessert me.  I hope and pray this is the case.

Believing...Shelly

Each minute seems like an hour and each hour seems like a day.  I still am numb and cannot believe that Craig is not ever going to come home again.  I miss him so much!!!  I know tht people loose their loved ones each day and they recover and move on.  People tell me it will get easier.....it is so hard to believe that.  I  really want to to believe it, because I cannot imagine living the rest of my life with this empty filling and and such a heavy heart.

My friends have been amazing!!  You have provided me with more support than one person could ever hope or ask for.  For each of you that were at the hospital day after day and those who where with us when Craig passed, thank you.  Those who have brought food, thank you.  I would list everyones names, but I know I would forget someone, so you know who you are!!!  Emily's place of work sent food too and has given her as much time as she needs off to grieve and to be with me.  They have been great.  Thank you Moosylvania for being so understanding and generous. 

CRAIG DID NOT WANT A TYPICAL FUNERAL (BELIEVE IT OR NOT)   SO WE ARE HAVING A CELEBRATION OF HIS LIFE ON SATURDAY APRIL 18TH AT THE ART MUSEUM.  More details to follow.  I just wanted to get the date out so if anyone wanted to make flight & hotel plans they could. 

Believing I will see him once again...Shelly

The flags were flow at 1/2 staff on Friday at Craig's work to honor him.

Craig and I walking side streets in downtown Brugge, Belgium, January, 2006.  Craig was my big brother on this particular day (Anthony certainly remembers) as the night before at the Brussels  Holiday Inn no one told me that Duvel Beer is 12% alcohol.   A great week of training and experiencing Brussels, Antwerp and Brugge.

The Craigism from that weekend - "Hey, I figured you're a safety guy, you should know to read the label on the bottle".

I miss you Craig.

Tom







PS - As happens with every blog entry, future blog entries bury them.  Carol's entry previous to me is very important so I'm encouraging all bloggers in the near future to copy the following text in as I have here.  Additionally I've added a permanent link at the top of the menu on the left of this page to get to Craig's tribute grant.

In response to requests about designated memorials, in honor of Craig, you may click on the link below that will lead you to Craig's Tribute page at the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation's website.  On-line gifts go directly to Craig's Grant Fund to find a cure for Mesothelioma.

http://www.curemeso.org/siteapps/personalpage/ShowPage.aspx?c=kkLUJ7MPKtH&b=3374467&sid=kkI1KfOTKfKQK7NULuE

If you prefer to mail in a memorial, you may do so by writing a check and in the memo linke write Craig Kozicki.

Mail to:

Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation
PO Box 91840
Santa Barbara, CA 93190-1840
Phone: 805.563.8400
http://www.curemeso.org/

 

In response to requests about designated memorials, in honor of Craig, you may click on the link below that will lead you to Craig's Tribute page at the Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation's website.  On-line gifts go directly to Craig's Grant Fund to find a cure for Mesothelioma.

http://www.curemeso.org/siteapps/personalpage/ShowPage.aspx?c=kkLUJ7MPKtH&b=3374467&sid=kkI1KfOTKfKQK7NULuE

If you prefer to mail in a memorial, you may do so by writing a check and in the memo linke write Craig Kozicki.

Mail to:

Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation
PO Box 91840
Santa Barbara, CA 93190-1840
Phone: 805.563.8400
http://www.curemeso.org/

Shelly, Emily, Kyle, everyone...

know that you are being lifted up in prayer... a lot...  my mom's in Arkansas & has been praying... she's shared your story with some of her friends & they've been praying.  People at my church and small group are praying.  Several folks have told me that they feel like they know you all, even though "all we've done is pray".  Amazing how prayer can truly connect us.

I pray that God will wrap His arms of love around you and comfort you in the days/weeks ahead...

once again, a song comes to mind:

MercyMe - Homesick
From the album Undone

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I've been attempting to generate some kind of significant thoughts about Craigisms for hours now…but I'm just numb…my mind has that term that Craig & I never really understood in school…entropy.  A randomness that defies logic.  Maybe I do understand entropy now.  Anyway…a significant memory finally entered my void cerebellum.  Not only memories, but burnt-in visuals.

Sometime around February 1980, months after Craig's old girlfriend dumped him (go figure…that girl must've had problems), Craig started talking about this girl in the Monsanto Credit Union.  Craig said she seems to be gawking at him a lot.  I told him to ask her out.  The shy boy didn't.  One day as Spring approached in 1980, this girl walked down our hallway…a lower level hallway in the Phosphates Front Office Engineering Building…a path where no Credit Union person would EVER have to travel.  As the girl walked by our office, her head was looking 90 degrees into our office.  As soon as Craig & I looked up, her head snapped back forward…pretending the casual visual encounter never took place.  I have to chuckle here….Craig asked why would she be walking down our hallway??  My response to Craig…actually, my ONLY response to Craig, was……Duuuuuuhhhhhh!!!

Craig and the girl started dating shortly after that "chance" walkby.  In months, Craig & the girl were engaged to be married.  I asked Craig was he sure…he said he was.  Something he just knew.  In October 1980, Craig and Shelly married.

I'll never forget how fast Shelly's head snapped back when Craig glanced up that day in February.  Weird for a guy to say this…but...it was "cute".  I'll also never forget how fast Craig's response was that Shelly was the "one".

28 years.  34 for me.  A person is never really gone while there are still memories.  Especially the abyssfull Craig has created for us.

Nas Drovia Skol.  Always…as I point up towards the sky.  Take care buddy, Randy, Dorean, Rebecca, and Adam

Nuff said.

Dear Shelly, Emily, & Kyle

Our deepest sympathy, prayers, & love go out to you.  This is a very hard time but Craig is no longer in pain and is in a much better place.  May the Lord take you by the hand and lead all of you thru the next few days. 

Craig was the bravest person on earth and loved by so many.  Both of you poured out your hearts and love to all of us.  We know he will continue to fight this with all the Meso patients in heaven.

May God love and comfort you at this darkest hour.

Whip, June, Kim & "Laurie in Spirit"

Shelly, Emily & Kyle,
No words could ever express the sympathy I have for you at this most difficult time. Please know that the precious memories and love of God will sustain you...believe in that. I have many great memories of Craig and what a special person he was. I am thankful that my brother had this friend touch his life & the lives of my parents & myself. Know that you have & will continue to be in my prayers. 

God bless
Linda Sue

Dearest Shelly and Emily~

We are so very sorry for the unimaginable pain you are experiencing at the loss of your beloved soulmate and Dad.  Words cannot possibly bring comfort now - but perhaps hope in the knowledge that your ever-faithful Craig-strong prayer warriors persist - begging that God will bring you healing and comfort with each passing day.

Last night, April 1, 2009 at exactly 9:45pm, the Our Lady of Mt Carmel Gloria Dei choir - 50+ strong - ended with prayer, as is our usual practice.  We prayed last night for Craig - specifically that God would be with him in his final hours on earth. We pray now that the choirs of angels and saints will lead him to his Heavenly home.

There can be no doubt that Craig is being lifted up to heaven on the prayers of the mighty Craig-strong army and the mighty - with Craig firmly at the heavenly helm - will now turn their intercessions to you.

May God be with you every moment.


Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
et lux perpetua luceat eis.

(Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.)

In Christ's love,
Gary and MJ Kurdys

 

Dear Shelley, Emily, and Kyle:

I think this video applies to Craig.  He really made his time on earth count.  God bless you all.

http://www.simpletruths.tv/movies-php?movie=dash

Shelly, Emily and Family I so sorry about the loss of Craid.  May God hold him close.   Please know how much you and Craig have inspired others.  Craig is only gone from this Earth, but will still be with us forever,  God Bless you Both.
Love, Carol & Bud Paus

All I can manage to blog tonight is that Craig passed away at 9:41pm April 1, 2009.  I wish I had the energy to say more.  He fought hard until the end.

With a very heavy heart....Shelly

Shelly, I struggle with trying to find the "right" words, but am compelled to reach out and try to join my thoughts and prayers for Craig and you with all of the others coming your way and only hope that they bring some form of peace to Craig, you and Emily.

I am so proud of the "Mesothelioma Applied Research Foundation with the Foundation's annual Volunteer of the Year Award."  it is truly deserved.  Shelly, you and Craig have touched so many lives.  You are truly an example for others who are faced with the challenges that you have confronted and overcome for so long.  I know it must be s0 hard to be confronted with this final challenge.

When I was going through my divorce, (horrors to remember) I remember telling my counselor, that I was not a quitter.  The response I got was "it is not quitting to go home when the game is over."  Craig and his family have fought a tremondous war and won many of the battles.  May you find the peace that you all deserve in this final one. 

Craig, Shelly and Emily:
 
You have all been in my thoughts and prayers daily for many months. Although we moved away from Michigan to different parts of the country, Craig and I go back over 30 years (to ChemE school at WSU and then Monsanto). I treasure the lunch we had (me, Craig, Randy P and Brian Pigula) last year when Craig was in Michigan. 

You have been in my thoughts even more in the past week. I received a call late last week that my dad was near the end. My brother and I flew to Florida and, with my mom, we spent my dad's last four days holding his hand and saying good-by. He passed away on Monday night. Those four days were the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I did it gladly for my dad. Just as Craig's family is there for him, no matter what.

My dad was very old and his body had worn out. Nevertheless, it was hard to let him go. I know how much harder it is for you. God be with you now and each day going forward. Shelly, you are amazing. Few people, men or women, would have had your strength. Emily, I only remeber you as a tiny little girl ("walking like an Egyptian") but clearly you have turned out exactly as your dad hoped you would. You don't need me to tell you this, but it is clear that he was bursting with pride because of you. There is no better feeling as a father than to know your children love you and to see them succeed.

I'm heading back to Michigan tonight to say a last good-by to my dad. But he will be in my heart every single day. My best to you.

Greg Narsh

It seems every time I try to create an entry my screen gets hard to read. I know many of you other bloggers are having a similar problem.

What a wonderful acknowledgement the "Volunteer of the Year Award" is for Craig and Shelly. It so eloquently articulates what we have been able to observe the past eleven years - courage, faith, hope, kindness and perseverance.

As I tried to recall some Craigisms many things came to mind. Most were actions not words. Some were hilarious and some were awesome. But one day is etched in my mind like it was yesterday. It was 1998. I was in St. Louis and Craig came to meet me at Union Station for a few drinks. After a couple beers he said he wasn't feeling well and asked if he could crash in my motel room. Of course starting the next day I gave him a hard time for being such a light weight after I had told the other people there what a fun guy he was. A few weeks later Craig called and told me that the problem had been a large amount of fluid retention because he had a disease and was going to need some treatment. You all know the rest of the story, but that day when he called me I was stunned. I was almost as stunned as I was 19 days ago when he told me they could no longer treat him.

Craig and I used to have an ongoing sports competitions. He would beat me at golf and was clearly a better soft ball player, but I would pick odd sports where I could win just to keep the score tied (Craig, you know I caught the biggest fish!). Unfortunately, it looks like my good friend is winning the one race no one wants to win. But I know if he beats me there, he'll have a beer waiting for me in heaven!

My prayers continue - I pray for the pain to stop, for him to be able to hold Shelly again and for Emily to see him smile.

Greg

p.s. Many thanks to those of you in St. Louis who keep the rest of us updated.